


The aftershock (of your touch)

by Bow_woahh



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23949211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bow_woahh/pseuds/Bow_woahh
Summary: “When one finds their soulmate, they don’t immediately know that is the case. Some believe it is a way for the universe, for the great First Ones to test our ability to listen to its calling, to let us steer the wheel to our own fates. Others believe it is an act of cruelty—to try our patience, to punish us for being unable to love without any inhibitions. No matter what one believes, it doesn’t rid us of the fact that finding one's other half does not allow for instant gratification.”—Catra, jaded by her past, moves to Bright Moon to start a new life, and finds herself growing increasingly closer to her neighbour, Adora. Initially, she's apprehensive, but no matter what she does, something draws her to the girl, and a revelation causes it to make a lot of sense—and none at all.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 51
Kudos: 423
Collections: Catradora Big Bang 2020, Gays in Etheria, Himmelslieds Collection of Catradora Goodness





	The aftershock (of your touch)

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I’d finally hop on the bandwagon and write a soulmates fic. But like, with a very me spin on it? Or not. Tell me if I really did something here lmao. Also, this is apart of the Big Bang, which is very cool. Go check out the other amazing works too!
> 
> A big thanks to both my betas, their pages can be found [here](https://existentialcatra.tumblr.com/) and [here!](http://ahsokastars.tumblr.com) This would have been a mess without your guy's help <3

**I. i see you in the hallways sometimes  
  
  
**

It had all started with a knock.

Catra had moved into her new apartment in Upper Bright Moon, thanks to the hefty promotion she’d gotten at her job. She had only been there a week, so the apartment was still bare, begging to be furnished. She hadn’t really had the time and wasn’t exactly bothered about the lack of furniture. It was a nice place: two rooms, the second feeling slightly unneeded; a spacious living room; a pristine kitchen and bathroom. The apartment complex itself was also quite luxurious—unlike her old place, the lift actually worked and the sports court behind it wasn’t littered with cigarettes and cans of beer. 

This new place was definitely an improvement. 

One thing Catra didn’t like about this new apartment was the people. They were all so… friendly—something she’d grown used to not seeing—and it instantly rose red flags in her mind. Her therapist told her that was normal for someone like her, but that she should try to not instantly react with hostility or skepticism towards benevolence. She didn’t think there was any chance of that happening. 

Even after a week of settling in it was hard to swap pleasantries and accept the smiles—it was even harder to smile back at these _strangers_ who just so happened to live in the same building as her. 

Well, Catra supposed that wasn’t completely true. 

Door number 19. Over the past week her face kept popping up in the hallways, in the street, and even at the supermarket. Catra didn’t know why. Part of her thought she was imagining it when she saw this beautiful blue-eyed, blonde haired girl staring at her in curiosity. She would always look down as if embarrassed and move on, but not before offering her an awkward yet charming smile. That kind of thing usually deterred Catra. The staring. It happened to her so often, yet she could never get used to being caught in someone's crosshairs of confusion. How rare were magicat these days? She was unsure of the answer—it wasn’t like her parents had been around to tell her.

However, with this girl, Catra couldn’t bring herself to feel her usual displeasure at the gesture. Her curiosity somehow seemed innocent—harmless. Catra had been equally as perplexed when first catching eyes with her, but she was sure they were for different reasons. The stranger made her feel…nostalgic somehow. She seemed familiar, but that was the first time Catra had ever seen her, she was certain of it—so surely that couldn’t be right? After going over the interactions late at night, Catra settled on the fact that it was just a bad case of deja vu. Even after that, it was impossible to shake off the odd weight her stare carried. It was as if she had been pinned to the ground. Whatever this feeling was, it couldn’t be good _—she_ couldn’t be good. Catra trusted that her intuition was correct, and stayed as far away as she could. 

She managed to make that work for a couple of days, but that didn’t last long. Despite trying to lay low, Catra still saw her everywhere, and every time she did, the blonde would acknowledge her with a small smile once again. It was harmless really, but that didn't stop Catra’s mind from setting off the alarm bells. Oddly enough, Catra still didn’t mind bumping into the girl: she didn’t mind seeing her when she was leaving for work, or seeing her in the supermarket on a Sunday morning, or receiving a dorky smile that made her lip twitch and tail sway. 

That was a part of the problem.

Catra had been learning that it wasn’t a bad thing to be vulnerable, to meet new people, and that not everyone was out to hurt her no matter what thoughts her brain may feed her. Rationally, she knew it wasn’t a problem that she had some newfound interest in the girl at door number 19. The irrational (or perhaps realistic) part of Catra knew that there was no way she would ever approach that girl. All it would ever be was a sparse smile here and there. The crushing weight of her stare a safe distance away. That would be fine. 

At least until there was a knock one Saturday morning.

“Scorpia, I said 8pm not AM!” Catra groaned as she stumbled out of bed to open the door. Why did Scorpia constantly misread Catra’s messages? Was her phone that small? Or was she just so excited to see the apartment that she—?

Catra had quickly realised that it was not Scorpia at her door. It was her. Door number 19, in all her glory: her hair was pulled up in her usual ponytail with a few strands framing her face, her ocean blue eyes piercing Catra’s mismatched ones, and her cheeks red like she’d just been on a run (if the athletic attire and water bottle in her hand were anything to go by, then she _had)._ The same unsettling, phantom weight seemed to return. Catra briefly thought that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to be crushed by it.

Catra stood there in nothing but a bra and boxer shorts, completely lost on what to say to the stranger at her door, who somehow seemed to be more embarrassed than her. After a few agonising seconds, Catra cleared her act up and spoke.

“Sorry, I, uh, thought you were someone else.” 

The girl was just as slow to answer, nodding hastily after a long pause.

“Yeah, no, no problem! I’m so sorry for intruding, I know it’s kind of early but— ” she looked down at her shoe. “Well, so, I... I know you just moved here not too long ago, and I dunno, we’ve seen each other around a lot, so I thought that maybe it’d be good to, y’know, introduce myself, since we’re kind of neighbours and all.”

This time it was Catra’s turn to nod slowly. “Right…” Surely she didn’t just come to introduce herself—for them to acknowledge each other further than they already did—who does that? 

For a second, the girl seemed slightly dejected by Catra’s lackluster reply (in her defense, it was eight in the morning), but when Catra stepped forward and stuck her hand out, she seemed to brighten once more. Catra had to admit, it was quite endearing. 

“Nice to officially meet you, the name’s Catra,” she said with a smirk, eyes trained on the girl. Her smile seemed to grow as she shook her hand. It was a brief handshake, but somehow it caused what felt like a surge of electricity up her arm. A spark.

“Catra...it’s a nice name.” 

Catra shrugged in response. “Personally, I think it's a little on the nose.” She hadn’t meant for it to be a joke (because naming a magicat _Catra_? That should not be allowed!), but her neighbour had laughed anyway, and the sound bounced around the empty hallway. 

The girl covered her mouth then, clearly embarrassed at having reacted so strongly, but in Catra’s mind it made her even more adorable. The girl was looking at the ground again as her fingers absentmindedly (or maybe anxiously?) tapped at the bottle she was gripping. 

“I better be heading off now.” she said, and Catra felt oddly disappointed at that, but she let out a small noise in acknowledgement. But before the blonde could fully turn to walk away, she stopped, facing Catra again. “Actually, would you—do you wanna get coffee sometime? Like, maybe tomorrow? I could tell you a few things the landlord doesn’t like to mention to newcomers.” 

That odd disappointment was now an even odder, eager anticipation. 

“Yeah, sure, I’m free tomorrow afternoon.” Catra said, possibly a little too quickly. 

“Great! I’ll come knock at 1 then, if that’s okay with you?” The girl asked. 

Catra nodded. “That’s cool. And hopefully, I’ll have more clothes on.” she grinned.

The girl seemed to have forgotten until Catra mentioned it, but when she did, she let out a short laugh and blushed (Catra supposed her cheeks could still have been red from her run, but she liked to think otherwise). 

The two bid each other a final goodbye, and once Catra shut her door, she finally gave her brain time to process what had just happened. Door number 19—the girl that Catra was so sure she’d stay away from and admire at a distance, and not ever converse with (or even more dangerously so get _close_ to), had just asked her out to go for coffee. And she had said _yes_. 

Catra felt light and heavy simultaneously.

But, most importantly, Catra had missed a crucial detail—she hadn’t asked for her name.

  
  


**II. and your presence is alluring**

  
  


Adora. 

The day after their first proper encounter at the apartment, they had gone out for coffee as promised, and Catra had learned that her neighbour’s name was _Adora._ She had laughed in disbelief when she heard this.

“You must be kidding.” Adora (if that was really her name) shook her head in reply.

Surely that wasn’t her real name? This girl didn’t seem like one to lie over something trivial like that though, and Catra had to admit that it was very fitting. There was no denying the girl was adorable, and most likely adored by her peers. 

The date—though Catra was hesitant to call it that—had gone surprisingly well. They’d laughed a lot; and they had talked about their hobbies, work, and Catra’s new apartment. 

“What brought you to Upper Bright Moon?” Adora asked.

Catra shifted in her seat a little, taking the last sip of her coffee. It would have been easy to lie, or omit the truth—Catra had survived for so long by doing exactly that. There was something about this girl across from her, though—something warm and compelling. She made her feel at ease, which was strange since she had only just met her. Ease wasn’t something she was familiar with. Somehow Catra felt as if Adora would understand, or even empathise with her struggles despite the contrast between them being as stark as day and night. 

“Well,” she began, before she could regret it. “Back where I used to live... it wasn’t great. It was actually pretty bad.” She shut her eyes for a second. Was she really going to say all this to a virtual stranger? Catra opened her eyes to see Adora watching her intently—her lips upturned slightly, her face offering more encouragement than words ever could. Those bright blue eyes never left Catra’s face, and they seemed to offer their comfort in saying: _‘I’m listening, say as much or as little as you want.’_

Taking a deep breath, she continued. “I’d been tryna find an out for a while, but work wasn’t paying enough and I owed a lot of money so my savings wouldn’t cut it. Then my friend, Scorpia, told me about this new job opening—a journalism gig—and I jumped on it. I got promoted a couple months later, so I thought, hey? Why not start over somewhere nice and prissy? And here I am now.”

For a moment, Adora said nothing, only staring in wonder. It made Catra wrap her tail around her leg, anticipating the worst. Had she messed up somehow? What did she say wrong? Was it—?

“Wow, that’s really amazing Catra. You really are something.” She smiled. Catra’s face felt hotter as she returned the smile. 

It was then that Catra knew it’d be hard to continue life as usual with Adora around. As much as she’d wanted that coffee ‘date’ to be a one time thing, as much as she wanted to lay low and ignore the people around her—Adora and her ocean blue eyes and warm presence were impossible to ignore. Catra would be proven to be a fool if she tried.

Besides, her therapist had told her that giving into these things wasn’t a bad thing. Despite the truth behind those words, she couldn’t shake off her cynicism. That wasn’t something she’d be able to change overnight.

That outing was the first of many over the coming weeks. Almost every weekend, Adora was suggesting a new place for them to go together, and Catra could do nothing but go along with it. The movies, the park, the museum—it was as if Adora wanted to show her everything Bright Moon had to offer. She did sort of like it; being in this new city, full of new people could be intimidating, but any questions she had she could ask Adora. It was as if she was her personal tour guide. Some weekends they just settled on a movie night in, and seeing as they lived right next to each other, they started to visit more and more until it was almost a semi-regular occurrence.

When they weren’t in each other’s apartments or going around the city, they were texting. It was mostly Adora who started the conversations, though Catra would almost always reply immediately. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t given into the urge of messaging her first, though—even when she knew she was probably busy at the gym or with her friends.

Catra was getting too attached too quickly and she knew it. 

To make matters worse, those compelling feelings she’d experienced when first laying eyes on Adora still lingered in the air. Although Catra’s mind felt light around Adora—being with her was the closest she’d ever been to cloud nine—her body and soul felt heavy in a way she couldn’t quite comprehend. She instinctively kept her guard up, but when she was with Adora she could feel it slipping. 

There was something else being left behind that she was struggling to put a name to. All she knew was that whatever it could be, it wasn’t fear (she knew that emotion far too well). It made her shiver when she tried to dig too deep for the solution of her inner conflict.

Catra eventually realised that spending her nights dwelling on these unsolvable mysteries and unexplainable emotions wasn’t worth her time. It’d be easier to just ignore them so that she could get on with her life… and get on with Adora. Whatever this all was, she knew that girl was somehow tied to it, and she’d much rather leave her out of it. Catra had a good thing going and she didn’t want to ruin it. 

However, it was hard to ignore these growing feelings the more she spent time with Adora. The two were banterous, boisterous and downright jarring to each other, and worse as a pair. In the moments when they were serious, Catra could never truly shake the intensity of her stare—it made her think back to when they first met not long ago—or how loud her presence felt in a room, even if it was just the two of them in absolute silence. She especially thought back to the weight of Adora’s hand on her shoulder or knee, how it seemed to be the only thing she could pay attention to in those moments. Worst of all, it made her think of the spark when their fingers brushed, or when their skin touched, and the way it would jolt her awake. It was like a reminder of some sort…or maybe a warning. 

Everything Adora said or did commanded Catra’s attention. It was as if she had some unknown power over her, and all Catra could do was give in.

Why had Adora taken such an interest in her? She couldn’t figure it out. Maybe it was initially out of pity after that coffee ‘date’ (Catra still didn’t think it was the right word), but it had bloomed into genuine curiosity and intrigue. Catra supposed she’d never find out unless she asked. Her interest in Adora was easy enough to explain. Anyone who even _looked_ at her could understand what there was to be interested in—even if it was just on the surface level. They saw a perfect, buff, blonde girl who managed to get where she was because of the fortunate connections she’d made on the way. That wasn’t the whole truth, Catra learned. Adora hadn’t had everything handed to her on a silver platter—in fact, she worked harder than most did to get where she was now. Catra respected that.

It was nearly a month of living in Bright Moon when things began to perplex Catra even more. Strangely, it began when she noticed a shift in her dreams. It was hard not to notice when she was so used to nightmares, or no recollection of her dreams at all. When she woke up for the first time after the dream, Catra initially thought little of it. Maybe her recent good fortune was to thank for her brain giving her some breathing room. She welcomed the break willingly, and quickly went back to sleep. 

However, by the end of the week, she had grown more tired and confused by it. Every single night, Monday through Friday, her brain mocked her with these convoluted and cryptic messages. She tried to pick apart all of the details that she could recall, but none of them made sense. 

In these dreams she always seemed to be somewhere high up, and she was looking up at the night sky, staring at a thousand blinding stars. She remembered them calling out to her as if they knew her, as if they were old friends. Sometimes they were saying something else, but the words always seemed to escape her every time she got close to an answer. Dream Catra reached out at the stars, trying to grab them and steal them away from the sky, but to no avail. In the dreams she appeared to be looking at two specific constellations. She couldn’t tell which ones they were—but if she were to guess, one of them might have been hers. One piece of her dreams she could never connect was the unyielding feeling someone had been there with her. She couldn’t remember a name, a face, or even a voice. She had only somehow felt, no _sensed_ their presence all around her, light like the wind of a warm summer’s evening, but there nonetheless. 

Maybe Catra was going crazy, but strange things started happening to her _outside_ of her dreams too. It was subtle at first, easy enough to go unnoticed by her when she’d always had the enhanced senses of a magicat—she could hear and smell metres further than the average human. She often knew when Adora was bundling into her room after a run to check in and say hi, because she could smell her sweat, and she knew her usual routine. It started happening _far_ too often, though—this knowing—and instead of her ears twitching or nose wrinkling, she felt a faint tingling. 

When she went on a shopping run later on Thursday night, the weather was surprisingly pleasant for the time of year, with no heavy breeze. Yet, just before Adora could call Catra’s name, she felt this chill creep up her spine. Catra couldn’t believe that this was just a coincidence, but she really wasn’t sure what was going on. 

To add onto the end of an already baffling week, she knew she wouldn’t have time to ponder on any of this over the next week, because work was starting to pick up again. This meant less time relaxing, less time spent with friends…and less time with Adora. 

The next week had truly proven to be stressful, and a stressed Catra was never fun to be around. She had lashed out at Scorpia over the phone on Wednesday (she’d made a mental note to take her out for ice cream over the weekend as an apology), and on Thursday completely shut down hanging out with Adora. She knew her impoliteness was something she had to work on (her therapist had mentioned it more than a few times), but she had reacted much worse to stress in the past.

Catra had also been getting headaches throughout the week, and no matter how many pills she took, they never seemed to fade when she wanted them to. Talking to Adora soothed her somehow—maybe because she balanced Catra’s fiery attitude with her own more placating one (although Adora could definitely be fiery too). When she snapped at Adora, it had unsurprisingly made everything worse, and the rest of her night was a hellfire to get through. 

Nevertheless, she knew that wasn’t an excuse for acting like a douche. She was counting down to the end of the week, so she could finally get some rest and make it up to her friends. 

Friday was the worst. 

By the time Catra was done for the day all she wanted to do was collapse in bed, but her head was pounding and for some reason her feet seemed to carry her to the liquor store. She decided to go for two bottles of hard cider, so she could drink some now and stock up for later. As she made her way back to the apartment, she felt a familiar shiver go up her spine and turned around to see a familiar figure in a red windbreaker, black leggings and white running shoes. 

Despite the shitty day she had, a grin crept on Catra’s face. 

“Hey, Adora.” she tilted her head as she looked at her. 

Out of breath, Adora huffed as she said, “Catra.”

All Catra could hear were the sound of distant cars in the background and Adora’s heavy breathing as they stood quietly. 

Adora, as always, was the first to break the silence. “You still pissed at—wait, what were you pissed at?”

Catra couldn’t help but chuckle as she forgot that Adora was still so new to seeing her aggravation at virtually nothing. “Just work. And myself I guess. It was pretty tough this week, and I’m not great at…not taking it out on people.”

Adora gave her an unimpressed look. 

“I’m working on it though.” Catra said and Adora nodded in response, knowing that was the closest she’d get to an apology.

“So,” Adora started, “What...uh, brings you out here at this time in the evening?” 

Catra raised the bag in her hand. “Alcohol. You want some? I do owe you.” 

Letting out a laugh, Adora took up Catra’s offer. That was how they ended up sharing a bottle of cider in the park nearby their apartment complex on a Friday night. 

Mind foggy and headache forgotten, Catra was content to sit there all night, giggling at the shapes of shadows and telling nonsensical stories. That was also the first time Catra had seen Adora drunk—that alone was entertaining enough. Gone was the more reserved, uptight Adora that she had gotten used to. Then again, she wasn’t usually like that with Catra for the most part (though out of the two, Catra was definitely less mature). However, this Adora was even more goofy, even more open, and borderline unmanageable. Catra was only slightly buzzed, because she knew better than to get blackout drunk in the dark outside, even if they were only a couple of minutes away from the complex. It was a good thing she knew better, too, because Adora was definitely more than a little buzzed. If neither of them could stand on their feet, getting back home would make the journey take double the time. 

Catra used to drink alcohol or smoke solely because it made it easier to spend time around people; to numb their words and make things more bearable. She was never _really_ addicted (though her therapist didn’t agree). She had grown out of the habit now, arguably because she had better company, and it was refreshing to have the ability to recall conversations as more than a hazy mess. It wasn’t like she needed to drink around Adora anyway—the last thing she wanted was to forget the words she said. Being around Adora herself was _intoxicating_ in a way she could hardly describe. She didn’t need to be drunk or faded when _Adora_ herself made her feel as if she could ascend to the heavens. Catra couldn’t ignore that that was certainly more alluring than a bottle of wine. 

Catra took another swig of the bottle before handing it back to Adora. “You usually get wasted in a park on Fridays?” she asked casually, though there was a hint of a grin on her face. 

It brought another laugh out of Adora, and a sloppy shove which Catra neatly dodged, all while she tried to ignore the pleasant warmth in her chest. 

“No, silly,” she shook her head for a little too long. “Usually, I just…y’know, chill?” Adora said slowly, and Catra held back a laugh of her own. 

“What? What’s so funny?” Adora asked, shaking Catra’s arm.

Catra eased her off and replied, “Nothing, nothing princess. You’re clearly not used to drinking though, huh? Weren’t into the college party scene I’m guessing?” 

Adora sat up a little, looked down at the ground and pouted. “I was busy.” she said. 

“Busy?” Catra repeated, eyebrows raised.

Adora didn’t explain any further, and instead jumped off the bench. 

“Let’s go home, Catra!” she said with an unneeded sense of urgency. 

Nevertheless, Catra rose to her feet too, and put the now empty bottle in her bag before setting off in the direction of their apartment. She only got a few paces before realising that she couldn’t feel the strong, yet comforting presence of Adora—that her warm body wasn’t practically bouncing off the walls next to her. Huffing, she turned around to see Adora still standing by the bench with her arms crossed, a pout on her face. She rolled her eyes. 

“What, Adora?” 

Twiddling her thumbs like a nervous child, she looked down at the ground again, then up at Catra and said, “Carry me?” 

Catra briefly choked on her saliva. When she recovered, she noticed how much her face had heated up. Maybe she was more drunk than she’d previously thought? She took a step towards her friend, but no more. 

“And how am I supposed to do that?” Catra decided on saying. She was _not_ in any way flustered (though, even if she obviously was, she wasn’t too sure that Adora would even notice with the state she was in).

Adora took two large steps as if it was her turn to make a move, placing herself directly in front of Catra. 

“Piggyback?” she said it as though it was a question—as if she still wanted to give Catra the choice. With her face flushed, hair disheveled, lips upturned, and breath fanning Catra’s mouth, it didn’t feel like she had much of a choice. 

Taking a gulp, Catra ignored the thumping in her chest, the electricity between them, the way Adora eyes taunted her and told her to _jump! Jump_ _into the sea of the unknown!_

“Can you stand on the bench?” she chose to whisper instead.

Adora considered the question for a second, then nodded. She made her way back to the bench, and Catra followed behind her. It wasn’t difficult for Adora to climb on the bench, despite how much she’d drank. Catra still held her hands up to be cautious, but other than a little stumble that she quickly recovered from, Adora was fine. Catra stood directly in front of her, presenting her back to Adora, and she couldn’t help but feel a bit ridiculous. Why had she agreed to this, again? Then she remembered Adora just moments before, and the question vanished from her mind. She still felt stupid, but at the same time she couldn’t shake the odd intimacy of them like this—standing in a park when it was completely dark out, just the two of them in silence with Adora about to mount Catra. It made her feel…vulnerable in a way she hadn’t in a long time. Catra bit the inside of her cheek and thought about how unsure she was—had this been what her therapist meant when they told her to allow herself to be more vulnerable around others? Probably not.

Adora’s hands on her shoulders pulled her out of her thoughts, and she readied herself for the weight. 

“Ready?” Catra asked, grabbing onto the back of Adora’s thighs. 

When she let out a little noise in affirmation, Catra took one last breath before bracing for her to jump onto her back. She let out a grunt as Adora landed, as unsurprisingly, she wasn’t very light. Catra silently thanked herself for letting Scorpia drag her to the gym. She shimmied Adora up a little, and knew that she would not last the whole way back. 

“Listen, when you get too heavy, I’m tapping your leg and dropping you, okay?” Adora’s only response was to grip her tighter, head nuzzling at her shoulder. Catra tried to suppress the shiver that washed over her body. 

The fragments of fire that followed with Adora’s presence was something she’d gotten uncomfortably used to, but it was almost always brief, in flashes, and the rest of the time they stayed under the surface. There was always that mellow, misty feeling though—like an unawakened beast, one that she never intended to prod until now. 

It was because she seemed to be burning up now—like an explosion waiting to happen, sparks flying everywhere. She shook the feeling off though, figuring it was just in her head, and started to trudge her way back to their apartments. 

Catra ended up carrying Adora almost all the way back. Maybe it was because she would feel bad for making her walk, especially with the way she grew limp in her hold from tiredness. Maybe it was because she’d grown to like the decisive weight on her—it grounded her, keeping her from spiralling despite it being the thing that caused her to spiral. Everything else eventually calmed, like the sea after a storm. Though the heat in her face still remained, and her heart was beating far too fast, Catra blamed it on the physical exertion. 

Once they’d made it to the door of the complex, Catra tapped Adora’s leg, and whispered, “Adora, we’re here.” 

Obediently, Adora slumped off, and Catra immediately missed the warmth, the fire that lit with having Adora so close. As quickly as the thought came however, she pushed it away at the shake of her head. _No._ She could not go there right now. 

The elevator ride up was silent, and Catra thought for a second that maybe Adora had sobered up a little. The dazed stare and jitters said otherwise. Catra sighed as she realised she couldn't just leave Adora at her doorstep. 

After fumbling to get the key from Adora’s jacket pocket, she unlocked the door and ushered her in. Adora collapsed on the couch, and Catra went to her kitchen to get her a glass of water. She heard Adora kick her shoes off and sigh happily. As she entered the living room again, Adora’s eyes seemed to follow her until she was handing her the glass. 

“Drink.” she said and Adora gulped it down in one go. 

Handing her back the glass, Catra asked if she wanted more and she nodded. Two more glasses later and Catra was sitting with Adora on the other end of the couch, gaze locked on her as she sat there with her eyes closed. After another minute or so, Catra tore her gaze away from her peaceful, serene face, and nudged her with her foot. Adora opened her eyes immediately. 

“Come on. You need to shower and get some sleep.” Catra rose from her seat and Adora did too, albeit begrudgingly. 

Before Adora shut herself into the bathroom, Catra called to ask where she kept her medicine. Once she retrieved some painkillers, she went into Adora’s room and placed them on her bedside table. This wasn’t the first time she’d been to Adora’s, but because Adora happened to have roommates whom Catra actively avoided, she wasn’t as familiar with the apartment. She didn’t want to feel their inquisitive stares, or answer any questions about her heritage. They did keep their thoughts to themselves and mind their own business, though, so Catra did too. When Catra and Adora hung out it would usually be at her place—unless Adora’s roommates were out like they were now, thankfully. 

Adora’s room was small—it had just enough room for a desk, bed, bookcase, and a closet in the corner—and, well, it lacked personality. No posters, pictures, or anything else decorated the walls (which were plain white), and everything was so neat. One would think it was a guest room, not a lived-in space. The Adora that Catra knew had many layers to her personality, so it struck her as odd that not an ounce of it seemed to transfer into her room. She took another glance at the desk however, and saw the books piled neatly on top of another. She wasn’t one to pry, but Catra noticed how one of them just seemed to be a leatherbound journal unlike the rest. She smiled at that. 

Maybe the room didn’t lack personality—it was just hiding in different places. And if anything, Adora’s room was a perfect metaphor for herself—seemingly plain and perfect at a first glance, but the closer one looked, the more of the truth they saw. 

She hadn’t realised how much she’d wandered until she noticed Adora standing in the doorway, with nothing but a _towel_ wrapped around her. Catra could do nothing but stand there, frozen in place. Her hair was down, something which was uncharacteristic for Adora, and it was slightly damp and curling at the ends. Despite having dried herself off, water still seemed to drip off of her, from her forehead down to her collar bone, travelling down, down, _down_ … 

Catra shook her head, stopping her mind from drifting there. _No._ Not now. Maybe not ever. Because she _wouldn’t_ , she _couldn’t_ ruin things. 

According to her therapist, Catra had to work on trusting herself and to trust her emotions—to see that they weren’t putting her in any danger. For a split second—with Adora standing there undeterred and unbothered, looking at her with those ocean eyes—Catra wanted nothing more than to dive headfirst into them. Catra could feel the immense weight of her stare like always, and she felt _heat_ , so much heat that she sure it wasn’t just the room. Catra thought that maybe she could just let go. Maybe. Adora stepping forward broke her out of her trance, and she quickly back peddled. Adora was probably still drunk. 

“Oh, sorry, I wasn’t snooping, I was just putting some pills and water by your bed. I probably should have asked, my b—”

“It’s fine.” Adora took another step forward. One more step and Catra would be trapped between her and the desk. 

Catra’s eyes flitted down to Adora’s lips, and she quickly regretted it when it was clear Adora had noticed. She _needed_ to get out of here. 

“I, uh, better go, let you get some rest and all.” she stuttered through her sentence, but Adora didn’t seem to care or take note of what she said at all. 

Instead, she took that last step, and Catra felt her whole body react to it. Why did her limbs feel like they were on fire again? She wasn’t carrying Adora anymore.

“Catra,” Adora started. “I had fun tonight. I wasn’t feeling too great before so…thanks.” by the end of her sentence, she trailed off into a whisper, and once again, her breath was hot on Catra’s lips. This time when she breathed in it smelt of mint instead of cider. 

Her stomach twisted as she replied, equally breathy, “Yeah, it was.”

Somehow, Adora had gotten even closer. Somehow, Catra’s back was pressed into the desk. Somehow, Adora was leaning down to meet Catra. To meet her lips. 

Not only was there that searing heat that threatened to burn them both, but the electricity, that niggling buzz was more incessant than ever before. The closer Adora got, the harder it was to tune out, the more the hair of her tail stood on its end, until it finally got too much to bear. Until Catra finally came to her senses, and just as Adora’s lips were ghosting hers—

“Adora...” Catra sighed, out of breath despite the fact that nothing was happening.

“Yes?” Her eyes were still closed.

“You’re drunk.” 

Adora stepped back at that, and Catra felt instant relief at the gesture. The silence between them was thick now, laced with a new tension that Catra hadn’t accounted for. She knew Adora wasn’t planning on saying anything, so she collected herself somewhat and cleared her throat, standing up straight. 

“I gotta go. Sleep, okay? And text me tomorrow?” Catra hoped the unspoken words of ‘ _but please don’t visit because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it’,_ got through as well.

“I will.” she replied, and moved out of Catra’s way. A clear path away from the suffocating heat and buzz and tension in the air. 

Catra mumbled a goodnight and made her way out of Adora’s apartment as quickly as she could without looking like she was running away. Running away from _her_. 

She supposed that was exactly what she was doing. 

Going to sleep that night was a challenge. Her mind was stuck replaying her evening: every word, every action, every gesture. The stares, the piggyback, the _almost_ kiss. Did it mean anything to Adora, or was she just drunk? She wasn’t usually so difficult to read. Catra eventually got tired of thinking about Adora, and tried thinking of something else. She wasn’t successful. 

Her last thought before letting sleep overcome her was the realisation she’d forgotten her second bottle of alcohol at Adora’s.

  
  
  


**III. but I think your strength could drown me**

Why Catra thought this would be a good idea, she didn’t know. It was stupid, that’s what it was! She should have walked away from this ludicrous situation while she still had the chance. She didn’t need to know. In fact, it might be better if she never knew. Ignorance is bliss, after all. As she went back and forth in her mind, the internal debate as to whether she was to leave or to enter was cut short.

“Are you going in or not?” A young man who looked to be around the same age as Catra asked, gesturing at the library door. 

Snapping out of her trance, she looked at him boredly, and stepped out of his way with a stretch of her arm. “After you, sir.” 

As he opened the door he muttered something (most definitely rude and about Catra), he held the door long enough for her to slip in again. The Whispering Woods Library (why did every area in Bright Moon have the most absurd names?) was one of the oldest libraries in Bright Moon, and housed the largest amount of classic and antique books. If any place were to have what Catra was looking for, it’d be there. Unsurprisingly, Catra had never been one for libraries. Even in her gruelling college years she’d probably only stepped in the campus library a handful of times. It was always so quiet, so unnerving. 

This trip was no exception. Especially because Catra had a specific objective in mind. She made a beeline for the non-fiction section, looking for shelves and shelves of anything even slightly related to what she needed. Even the psychology section didn’t have anything. Cursing under her breath, she stood back up after having crouched to see the book titles and tapped her chin, once, twice. Where else could they be? 

Catra’s eyes widened as she realised her obvious mistake. It wouldn’t be considered non fiction due to all the skeptics (her being one of them), it’d be under the _history_ section. She searched through the aisles, an anxious anticipation seeping out as she found what she was looking for. Her heart thrummed in her chest, and she felt her stomach sink as she thumbed the spine of the first book she saw with the words she needed—

_Soulmates._

She thought back to her conversation with Scorpia the other day. How had they even gotten to that?

Catra had heard a knock on her door the morning after her and Adora had nearly…when they had gotten drunk. Still half asleep and hoping it wasn’t who she thought it was, she considered pretending not to be at home, but realised that was completely unbelievable. The only way that would have happened is if she were kidnapped, or forced back into weekend gym sessions. So she dragged herself out of bed, not wanting to be unnecessarily rude, and answered the door. Thankfully, it wasn’t Adora. It was Scorpia. In some ways that was better, in others it was much, _much_ worse. 

“Catra!” Scorpia shouted, lunging forward to give her a hug that Catra barely dodged. 

“Scorpia…it’s too early for this shit.” Catra groaned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Despite this, she stepped out of the way so Scorpia could come in—she was practically bouncing on her feet (as always) while Catra shut the door.

Scorpia chuckled before saying, “No, silly, it’s actually already past ten! I’d figure you’d sleep in after the week you’ve had.” 

Scratching the back of her head, Catra opened her mouth to say something, but found nothing that would suffice. She strode over to her room and grabbed her phone to see if what Scorpia said was _really_ true. Unsurprisingly, it was. The alcohol had gotten to her more than she’d previously thought. When she checked her phone she also noticed two messages from Adora saying, _only have a mild headache, thanks to you!_ And then:

_oh, and sorry for yesterday btw._

“Fuck,” Catra muttered under her breath, but somehow Scorpia had heard it. 

“Everything okay Catra?” Scorpia called. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, gimme a minute.” she said with a huff as she searched her room for a pair of sweatpants. Once she found one in the corner of her room, she tugged them on and left to properly greet Scorpia. 

“Hi, Scorpia.” she said with a tight lipped smile. 

Scorpia gave a sweet smile back. “I brought breakfast bagels!” she replied, holding up a paper bag. 

Catra had smelt something, but wasn’t really paying attention before as she was hardly awake. Her eyes lit up as Scorpia presented the bag. 

“You could have led with that!” 

Chuckling, Scorpia set the bag down and Catra dug in immediately, moaning as she took the first bite. While Catra was adequately preoccupied with her food, Scorpia started ranting like she always did—which Catra was an expert at tuning out, especially just after waking up. However, her interest was caught when she mentioned going somewhere. 

“...yeah so I was thinking we could pick Entrapta up on the way too, since we haven’t seen her in a while, or at least not just the Super Pal Trio.” 

Catra looked up from her bagel then. “Scorpia. Do I look like I want to leave my house today?” She pointed at her face, and to strengthen her case, she wore a frown. 

It took Scorpia several seconds too long to reply. “Well, no, but I figured you could use some cheering up!”

Catra had a real frown on her face now. “I was a dick to you this week, not the other way round.” 

She truly had been, and still, Scorpia was here, having bought Catra a bagel like _she_ had been in the wrong. Offering to take her out for a day so _she_ could get her mind off things? Catra would really be a dick if she refused. She made up her mind.

“Yes that’s true but—”

“Fine, fine! But only if I get to pay. For _everything.”_ Catra cut her short, not wanting to hear Scorpia defend her shitty behaviour. 

“Deal!” Scorpia said. 

That was how Catra had ended up in a café with Scorpia and Entrapta, and that’s when Adora was brought up. It was innocent enough at first, but after yesterday it was impossible for Catra to not tense up at the name, to not feel those residing shivers crawling up her spine. Scorpia instantly noticed the shift in Catra’s typical nonchalant demeanour. Entrapta was none the wiser, continuing her rambling about whatever video game was coming out soon, and projects Catra couldn’t even begin to understand. Catra tried so hard to push all thoughts of Adora aside—to concentrate on what her friends were saying—but it was like a leech latching onto her mind.

It was late afternoon when Scorpia dropped Catra off at her apartment. Entrapta’s house had been closer so they’d stopped at hers first, and now it was just the two of them. They sat in Scorpia’s car with a comfortable, easy silence between them. Catra had managed not to let the thought of Adora ruin her outing with her friends, and now her mind felt the most peaceful it had been since last night's chaos. Her and Adora often sat in silence, just enjoying each other’s company, but that was a different type of silence. A different type of comfortable. No matter how comfortable it got, the unbreakable tension remained, one as hard as steel. This was a nice change in pace. 

“Catra…” Scorpia started and Catra turned to look at her in the driver's seat. “Earlier on, when I mentioned that new friend of yours—Adora, right? You seemed kind of… I don’t know, tense? Like, I don’t want to assume anything or that anything happened, but you don’t usually react like that to, well, most things, so… is everything okay with you two?”

Catra felt her stomach drop. Why hadn’t she seen this coming? She should have left when she still had the chance.

“I—” Catra’s breath caught in her throat. “I’m fine.” she said, and she knew Scorpia didn’t believe her for a second. 

Shaking her head, Scorpia replied, “Wildcat, you don’t need to lie to me, okay? Whatever it is, you don’t have to keep it in.” 

Catra’s stare was locked onto the steering wheel. She bit the inside of her cheek and wrapped her tail around her leg when she felt her eyes begin to cloud. 

“Remember what the Doc said. There’s nothing wrong with letting people in or asking for help.” Scorpia said, laying hand on her shoulder. 

Catra wanted to recoil from the touch and to recoil from her words. She wanted to refuse to listen and to shrug it all off as if it were stupid—as if it were nothing—but it wasn’t nothing. It was something she didn’t understand yet, which was worse. 

“Scorpia I—” her voice cracked. “I don’t know what’s going on with me. And this girl, Adora, well she—I feel like I’m going insane.” The steering wheel had gone completely blurry as tears started to fall from her eyes. She willed them to stop, to go away, but she couldn’t. Scorpia didn’t pity her, didn’t laugh at her weakness like the people from her past. Instead she comforted her, soothed her. 

A steady hand rubbed her back, and Scorpia whispered over and over to _let it out,_ and that it’s _okay._

When the crying finally subsided, only sniffles left in its place, Scorpia lent her some tissue that she kept in her glove compartment. Once Catra had finished blowing her nose, Scorpia finally asked her. 

“When you said, you feel like you’re going insane…what do you mean?” 

She’d finally tore her gaze from the steering wheel, now looking at Scorpia’s face. 

Taking in a shaky breath, Catra tried to explain everything. She tried to explain the compelling nature of Adora and how she’d felt drawn to her, but also suffocated under her stare. How the girl’s presence felt larger than life, how she was sure it wasn’t just her enhanced magicat senses telling her when she was near. How every touch they shared seemed to elicit a strong physical reaction from brief sparks to _shivers_ —the heat, the kiss, _everything_. Scorpia just sat and listened patiently.

Once she was done, she got a proper look at Scorpia’s face. The expression she wore was one of hesitation—as if she was holding something back. 

“What?” Catra said.

Scorpia shifted in her seat, clearing her throat, “Catra…I know you’re not gonna like this, since you don’t really, well ‘believe’ in it but—”

“But what, Scorpia?” Catra’s eyes narrowed. 

“Well, I think you guys—you and Adora—could be…”

Catra removed the book from the shelf along with every other one she could find with _the word_ in the title. There were a lot of them. She took as many as she could carry and found the nearest uninhabited table. They landed with a _thud_ and she got a few annoyed stares. She scoffed as she sat down with her sizable pile of books.

When Scorpia had said _the word_ (a word she hadn’t heard other than on tv occasionally since she was a child) the air in Catra’s lungs ceased to exist. 

“Soul… _soulmates_?” She stuttered. That had to have been the first time in nearly two decades since she’d said _that_ word aloud. 

Scorpia nodded. “Listen, I know it’s hard to believe, and if you don’t, I get it, but maybe look into it before drawing a conclusion. Like, maybe go to the library or something?” 

Catra wanted to scoff at that but instead she let out a choked cough. 

Even now, sitting with a whole entire pile of books about it, the whole thing seemed ridiculous. She supposed that was because she was taught as a child that it was all lies, a fairytale. When they got older, that reasoning no longer sufficed, so it became a ploy made by the Etherian government. All the coverage on it was fake, all these people claiming to have a soulmate was hysteria—nothing more. While she was sure some people were lying for fame and attention, she didn’t think everyone could be hysterical, but she supposed only the person and their ‘soulmate’ could tell. When she had mentioned this as a young girl, the idea was completely beaten out of her. _She_ made sure of it. 

Catra didn’t know much about soulmates. She had never been allowed to read about them growing up, and by the time she was old enough she had no interest in doing so. She hadn’t even considered that all these things that were happening to her could be an indication of _that—_ she just thought that her mind and insides were going haywire. The cynical part of her refused to believe that she and Adora were somehow bonded together. She didn’t deserve her. Adora deserved someone better. 

“Why would I do that, Scorpia? Why should I even bother? Nothing ever works out for me so why should I believe in all this?” Catra said, voice shaky. 

Scorpia looked over at her, lips slightly upturned.

“Maybe because now, you have someone to believe in.” 

Catra had to look through several books before finding anything of real importance. Most of the books she had picked up were about the lives of these people and their alleged soulmates. Some of them were interesting, she had to admit. She was especially interested in one story where these two women who were soulmates were on opposite sides of the war—no one knew if they’d settled down together after the war, or if their bonds were completely cut off during the senseless fighting. Imagining a world where the one you were doomed to love the most was also meant to be your sworn enemy made Catra’s heart ache. Other books however, were less engaging and droned on about the specifics of the time period and every little clue that meant that the two famous monarchs of the time could have been bonded together. Catra questioned the credibility of those books. Some were unreadable—they weren’t in English. One discussed the origins of soulmates, linking it to the planets’ now tarnished magic—it also mentioned how the bond was said to be rare, which made Catra scoff at the amount of sensationalist news on the topic. 

After searching, and searching, to the point that her eyes were beginning to hurt, she found a book that looked like it could finally give her the answers she needed… whether she wanted them or not. Maybe the trip hadn’t been a massive waste of time.

_The Sacred Bond of Soulmates_

Catra stared at the cover. It was a deep red colour, with golden lettering and stars around the title. She took a deep breath before opening the book. From just reading the first page, Catra felt like this was the most genuine thing she’d read so far. Catra couldn’t be sure, but the writer seemed to be talking from personal experience, as if they truly _knew_ the feeling. They mentioned that although everyone had the capacity to have a soulmate, very few were able to awaken the bond by force. It was always natural—unintentional. 

After skimming through a couple of chapters, Catra finally stumbled upon the information she had been looking for:

  
  


_Chapter V: Signs and Confirmation of the bond_

_When one finds their soulmate, they don’t immediately know that is the case. Some believe it is a way for the universe, for the great First Ones to test our ability to listen to its calling, to let us steer the wheel to our own fates. Others believe it is an act of cruelty—to try our patience, to punish us for being unable to love without any inhibitions. No matter what one believes, it doesn’t rid us of the fact that finding one's other half does not allow for instant gratification._

As she read on, Catra had to wrap her tail around her leg to stop it from twitching. There were several bullet points, and as she went down the list she stopped to consider all of them. She could recall the majority of them happening in the past month alone: how the way Adora looked at her made her feel as though she were carrying a mountain on her shoulders. Her all encompassing nature and the way Catra couldn’t help but be drawn to her no matter who was in the room. The familiar, warm, welcoming feeling juxtaposed by the spark—the pure discomfort that shot up their body when they came into contact with one another. The unexplainable dreams and the odd signs in them that Catra still didn’t fully understand.

She felt her hand tremble as she turned the page. 

  
  


_Confirmation_

_Although these signs may point to the person being one's other half, the only way to truly know for certain is to attempt to bond oneself to the other. The confirmation used to occur accidentally, with First Ones being unable to figure out how to truly know who’s bonds were real, having to take their word for it._

Catra rolled her eyes and read further down the page, too impatient to read the meaningless history of it all. 

_Once a substantial emotional connection has been formed between the pair, one meets the other palm to palm (either hands flat or fingers twined) and if the bond is deemed true by the First Ones, the outcome is often described as ‘The First coming of Death. It is said that—_

Shutting the book, Catra suppressed a shudder. 

What the _fuck_ was that?

Catra pushed out of her chair, leaving the scattered mess of books on the desk, and rushed out of the library without looking back. 

She decided to walk home rather than taking the bus. No matter how fast she powered through the crowds, her mind was still racing, still bouncing around the words she’d read. Bonds. _Soulmates._ Why did _death_ have anything to do with it? Catra had decided to listen to Scorpia in hopes it would give her some clarity on the matter, and better yet, confirm what she knew all along: That it was nothing, it was all in her head. Now her mind was loaded with all this information, with the fact Adora and her might be—

Catra shook her head and continued walking. She was reaching the park now, the same one she had been to with Adora just the other night. It made her want to be sick, but she walked through it anyway. It was the fastest way home. What Catra had liked about Adora was that she was safe—safe to be around, and safe to trust. Now Catra realised that wasn’t exactly true. That it had never been true from the start. No one Catra had ever been around was safe, and Adora was not the exception to this rule. No, she was dangerous—Catra had known it from the first time she’d laid eyes on her. Her mind and body had both agreed, and now there was a clear reason why.

She made it out of the park, and now only a couple blocks away from her apartment, she was only slightly lightheaded. 

In some ways, Adora was the most dangerous person she’d ever known. She was able to penetrate through Catra’s walls after such a short amount of time. She’d seen through her act faster than anyone else had before. Worst of all (her therapist would argue it was better), Catra _had let her._ Then again, maybe Catra never even had a choice because of what they were—what they must be. There was still a chance the First Ones could ‘deem their bond untrue’, but for that to happen they’d have to ‘test’ their bond, and Catra was _not_ taking any chances. It already felt too real.

All these years, Catra perfected the art of self preservation, and within such a short time period it had begun to crumble. _Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing,_ she could hear her therapist saying. Catra had learnt to be more vulnerable—or at least she was _trying_ to allow herself to be more vulnerable in small bursts. Half the time vulnerability for her was just being honest—and honesty became a lot easier for Catra than it had been. She may have had less to hide at this point, but _this?_ This was bigger than that. This was bigger than admitting to feeling lonely at night, or crying sometimes.The stakes were never this high—this wasn’t something that she could do in small bursts. _This_ was all encompassing, and Catra wasn’t ready for that. 

As she entered the complex, Catra bumped into an old lady from the floor below, and muttered a quick apology as she rushed upstairs. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stand the confinement of the lift. Catra reached her floor and took long strides to her door, heart beating fast from taking the stairs two steps at a time. She tried to ignore the emotions that washed over her body when she sensed Adora nearby—not in sight, but definitely close. She just had to get into her apartment and she’d be safe.

It wasn’t like Adora would actually try to pursue the bond any further. Catra thought back to Friday night. Okay, maybe she would, but Catra wouldn’t let her—she _couldn’t_. It was simple as that. Eventually this would all stop. The connection, or whatever, it had to fade eventually. It _had to._

Maybe she should have brought a book or two home to see if they’d mentioned anything like that? 

Nevertheless, it didn’t matter now, because Catra was at home. She fumbled with her keys and focused solely on the task of opening her door. The sound of her own lock as it turned distracted her, and she heard the lock click from the door opposite her a fraction too late. 

“Hey, Catra.” Adora’s voice was soft with a slight hint of apprehension. 

Catra didn’t look at her right away. Instead she chose to glare at her lock, the reason she didn’t make it in her apartment soon enough. She thought that silently cursing it would make it magically atone for its sins, but it did not. After several seconds of this, she had no choice but to face her. 

“Adora.” she replied, pitch too high and smile too wide.

A couple of seconds went by where neither of them said anything, and the silence made Catra’s ear twitch uncomfortably. Adora must have noticed (she was getting good at that now), because she cleared her throat.

“How are you? I, uh, messaged but you never answered—which is fine! I’m sure you were busy, I was just, y’know…” she trailed off at the end, but Catra tried to answer as if she hadn’t noticed. 

“Okay! I’m—yeah, I’m okay. Scorpia kidnapped me yesterday and I hardly had time to check my phone so, yeah.” Catra wanted to wrap her tail around herself and plaster her ears to her head. All of the same suffocating feelings she had been experiencing around Adora somehow seemed worse now that the truth of what they really were had been revealed. 

Adora had definitely picked up on the fact that Catra was doing her best to cut the conversation short.

“Well, the other night—” they both seemed to cringe at the mention, “—you left your other bottle. So, here.” She raised the brown bag in front of Catra. Having been so swept up in everything, she hadn’t even noticed her friend (should she even call her that anymore?) holding the bag until now.

“Oh. Thanks.” Catra said, and carefully took the bag from her, making sure their hands didn’t come into contact. She couldn’t handle that right now, everything was already too much. 

Adora only nodded in reply and Catra took that as her cue to go back to unlocking her door. Despite this, Adora still stood there, watching her. Once she’d opened it, she turned back briefly, eyes meeting Adora’s. They were the breathtaking, soul piercing blue that they always were, and Catra realised that even though it had barely been two days, she had missed them. 

“Will I see you later?” Adora asked just as she turned to go in again. She was referring to their weekly movie watch they did on a Sunday night. There was no chance of it happening today. Being with her was too unbearable right now. 

As much Catra wanted to, she knew if she turned to face her that she would have lost. That she would have given in, just like she had to the piggyback, just like she’d nearly done with the kiss, and she didn't think she could handle anything of the sort so soon after those two incidents—so soon after learning what she had. Looking into those eyes and saying no would be too much. So she didn’t. 

“Sorry, not tonight.” she said more quietly than she had meant to, back to Adora.

Adora didn’t reply. 

“Work to catch up on.” Catra lied, and shut her door. 

Catra let out a choked gasp as if she had been holding her breath underwater once she was finally in her apartment, alone. She set the bottle down on her kitchen counter, and rushed to her sink for some water. Her heart was running rampantly, her head pounding, and she felt almost nauseous. 

She had to get rid of these feelings. This bond.   
  


**IV. so I’d rather be left for dead**

  
  


The next day, after work, Catra went back to the library and borrowed a couple of the books she had read when she had come before. However, she didn’t read them right away. No, at first she shoved them under her bed, out of sight because she still couldn’t stand to think of it all. The rest of her week was even more miserable and frantic than the last, and now the thought of hanging out with Adora no longer kept her going, but exhausted her. Over the week, she still received a few messages from her, most of which she didn’t respond to. When she did, it was to say she was busy, or tired, or something of the sort. By Thursday, she knew she couldn’t keep it up. Not only that, but she also felt guilty for doing so. Catra had gone through most of her life feeling guilty over things, whether it was her doing or not, but she’d always buried it deep, masked it with anger and resentment, because that was most of what she was feeling. 

This guilt, however—it felt much more somber. It was the type of guilt that ate you up inside, the type of guilt that couldn’t be masked because it was rapidly growing. It was the type that refused to stop growing until something intervened to do so, and for a little while, Catra stood her ground and let the guilt eat her insides. That was why her week was so miserable. But by Thursday, she gave in. 

She had just finished work, about to collapse onto her couch, when she received another text from Adora reading:  _ hey, I know you’ve been super busy this week, but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner?  _

Catra’s immediate reaction was to refuse, to make up another excuse. But it was becoming clearer and clearer that those were most certainly lies, because Catra had never gotten so busy that she had to skip out on seeing Adora before, usually the worst it got was last week’s schedule. Also, it was just dinner—sitting a safe distance away, across the table from each other, eating food which meant they would hardly have to talk if they didn’t want to. Catra was hungry as well, and although Adora wasn’t a spectacular cook, she did make delicious dessert pies. Her stomach grumbled at the thought. 

And she’d missed laughing, smiling, teasing Adora. It had barely been a week—how sad was that? It’s not as though she didn’t see her around. Every time they’d passed each other in the hallway, a smile (similar to the one she’d worn all those weeks ago when they’d barely known each other) would be plastered on her face. She regarded her warmly each time without fail, as if the look was reserved for Catra. Frankly, it made avoiding her so much worse. Catra thought that maybe it would have been easier to avoid her, to say no to that stupid message if those dazzling blue eyes didn’t brighten every day at the sight of her. Catra, in the rotten mood she was in, didn’t think she deserved that look. She didn’t deserve a second glance from Adora, especially with what she was doing. 

That might have been why Catra said:  _ sure, I’ll be over in 15.  _

She didn’t really need fifteen minutes, seeing as Adora lived right next door. Within five minutes, she had already stripped out of her work clothes (frankly, they were just slightly more formal clothes than what she usually wore) into some comfortable—but arguably stylish—clothes: a pair of black leggings and a cropped hoodie, not bothering to put shoes on as she’d just be going across the hall. Catra spent the last ten minutes trying to calm herself down, attempting to get her heartbeat back down to a normal pace, attempting to think rational thoughts. 

Rational thoughts, such as: this wouldn’t be a car crash; she would be fine; she could even, maybe, possibly have fun. After exactly ten minutes of panicking, of cycling through the same thoughts over and over, she finally picked herself up off her bedroom floor (as soon as she’d gotten ready, everything had hit her and she’d literally crumbled) stepped out into the hallway, shutting her door and facing Adora’s. She took one last breath, running her hands through her hair before clutching the door handle—she always left it unlocked when she knew Catra was coming over. 

As Catra stepped into her apartment, the smell of food immediately hit her nose, that and the familiar weight of Adora’s presence, how it seemed to buzz at Catra’s arrival. The headache she’d had earlier seemed to wash away like writing on the shore of a beach. 

“Hey, Adora.” She stood leaning against the door frame, hoping to come across as the opposite to what she was feeling on the inside. 

Adora was laying out the table, but as soon as she heard the door, she stopped to look up at Catra. Blue eyes met split ones, and just that stare alone nearly choked Catra. The smile she wore with it made it no better. Catra was already regretting her decision. 

“Catra,” Adora said, setting down the cutlery she’d been holding. “Hey, uh, hi. I was just setting the table, but could you finish it for me? I need to check on the vegetables.” 

The response had shocked Catra. Nevertheless, she nodded, closing the door and going over to the table to do what was asked of her, while Adora rushed back to the kitchen. She’d expected her to open with it. To ask something like,  _ why haven’t we seen each other?  _ or  _ it’s nearly been a week.  _ But she didn’t even seem mad. Not even slightly. Maybe it was a tactic to get Catra’s guard down, striking when she least expected it. The rational side of her argued that wouldn’t be the case though—Adora wasn’t dumb, but she wasn’t a master manipulator either, or anything of the sort. She could hear her therapist’s words about instincts—how they weren’t always correct and could be in response to trauma, blah, blah—bounce around in her head. Maybe she was overreacting. Who knew? She sighed, quiet enough Adora wouldn’t hear.

Once Catra was done setting the table, she went over to the kitchen to see how Adora was doing. 

“Whatcha cookin’, princess? Didn’t think you really could, so I had to see for myself.” Catra said, a smirk on her face. 

Adora laughed. “Well, crazy enough, I  _ can, _ Catra. Just… not often. Anyway, it’s a surprise, so go sit down and be patient.” She shot Catra a look. Catra took that as her cue to go away, stifling a chuckle as she made her way to her seat. 

Catra couldn’t help but take note of how her tail swayed, side to side, and realised that just five minutes with Adora had made her feel less miserable (dare she say happy) than she had for the whole week. And although the fact she felt so warm inside should have been a dangerous indicator that she was in too deep, that it would never be a simple as ‘avoid Adora and Adora’s touch’ Catra let that warmth take over her for the evening, she let herself have this, let herself relish in the laughs, the smiles, the stares, the brief, innocent touches that seemed to shoot blood up her veins. Because she wouldn’t have it for any longer. She  _ was _ going to get rid of these feelings. 

Once they’d finished their main meal (it had been vegetable pasta, one of Catra’s favourite dishes. She’d mentioned as an offhand comment weeks ago, which had meant Adora had either committed it to memory as soon as she’d heard it, or sat down and thought back to their conversations—both possibilities had made Catra’s cheeks grow hot with something she wasn’t quite sure she wanted to name), Adora set out dessert, which was one of her famous pie recipes. This time, it was a blueberry pie, and apparently, this one wasn’t one of Adora’s.

“My nana—Razz. She taught me how to bake. It was the first pie I ever baked her.” She wore a sad smile. 

Catra frowned. “Did she…?” she started to ask, and Adora nodded. She felt a pang in her chest. Why? Catra didn’t know, she usually never felt so...remorseful over things like this, especially not over a woman she never knew. 

“Yeah, a couple years ago actually. I still miss her—a lot.” Adora played with the fork in her hands, rather than looking up at Catra. 

Genuinely, Catra felt sad. 

“Hey,” she said, and tilted Adora’s head up, ignoring the jolt that it caused from her fingers, spreading down her arm. “I’m sorry. But…at least you have something to remember her by, right?” 

Adora nodded, a tear rolling down her cheek as she sniffled. 

Catra removed her hand from under Adora’s chin. It suddenly felt a lot heavier. With a small smile, she gestured to the pie. “Now, let’s eat.” 

They both dug into the pie after that, mostly eating in silence, the few words which were exchanged being about the food itself. Once they’d finished, Catra helped by clearing the table, also doing the majority of the dishes while Adora sat on a countertop, watching her while she made small talk. 

It was comfortable. 

After that, it was time for Catra to leave. It had just turned eight, and both girls still had work tomorrow. Also, Adora’s roommates were due to return from some trip today, and Catra still had no intention of interacting with them. 

Adora insisted on walking Catra to her door, and despite her protests (“Really, Adora, it’s fine, I live next-fucking-door, you literally don't need to do this!”) she obviously won the argument. Just like when Catra had came back from the library, Adora watched her unlock her door, but instead of refusing to turn around, the impulse to do so won out. 

“Thanks. For the food. Hopefully I don’t get poisoned from it.” she said, just barely grinning. 

Adora scoffed at the latter half of her sentence. “No problem Catra, I was happy to cook. And I promise you won’t die from it.” 

A beat went by where Catra didn’t move to go inside and Adora didn’t move to go back into her apartment either. Then, Adora started. 

“Hey, I know I waited a while to bring it up but, I just didn’t really know what to say, and when you started ignoring me well I—anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry for that night where I tried to, y’know…” Adora looked down at the ground before meeting Catra’s eyes again. “It wasn’t cool. And I was drunk, sure, but that’s not an excuse for my behaviour. I should have known better.”

Catra was stunned. It felt wrong that Adora was apologising. Did she really think she was in the wrong? Yeah, she’d tried to kiss her, but she was drunk, and Catra had practically ignored her for nearly a week over it. Well, not  _ just _ that. 

“So Catra, are we…are we cool?” Adora asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. 

“Huh? Oh—yeah, of course. Of course we’re cool, Adora.” Catra tried her best to wear a reassuring smile.

Adora smiled back, then took a step forward, before faltering. The action had baffled Catra, until Adora asked, “can I…?” gesturing at her and she realised she was asking permission  _ to hug her.  _

Catra felt her insides melt. As if standing next to her wasn’t enough to make her feel the weight of the world on her shoulders. And yet, despite this, despite how her limbs burned as if protesting against the contact, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Adora’s waist and burying her head in her shoulder. Adora was clearly stunned, but after a second or so, Catra felt arms around her neck, and all within the same second she felt her tail wrap around Adora’s ankle and body shudder, definitely enough for Adora to notice. 

Pulling away, Adora brows were creased as she stepped forward, making Catra take a step back, a foot on her apartment mat now. 

“Catra, are you—”

“I’m fine, Adora.” Catra said, pace quick and tone insistent. 

“But, you…” she reached out to place her hand on her shoulder, but Catra stepped back once more.

“I’m fine. You can go.”

Adora opened her mouth to say something, getting as far as the first word before Catra snapped. 

_ “Seriously, _ just fucking—just go.” The volume of her voice had fallen as quickly as it had risen. 

Shoulders slumped, she stepped into her apartment fully, and not waiting for Adora to reply, she shut the door.

As soon as she heard the slam of the other door—Adora’s door—she fought the urge to crumble to the floor, instead collapsing on the couch. Her body still felt the effect of Adora’s touch, her tail was wrapped around her tightly and she could feel another headache coming on. She needed to stop this. She couldn’t continue like this. After minutes, maybe hours, Catra pulled herself up from the couch, forcing herself to take a shower, before crawling into bed. Despite her exhaustion, she couldn’t drift off like she had hoped to, and instead, found herself reaching under her bed for the books she’d borrowed from the library. 

That night, she’d stayed up until 2, possibly 3am, reading, all in hope she’d find something, some clue, some method to stop it all. To stop all these feelings. To stop Adora from consuming her entire being. 

Catra barely stayed awake throughout work the next day, and was glad that thankfully nobody noticed. Or, at least no one important noticed. She’d checked her phone throughout the day, mostly out of habit, never having anything other than a message from Scorpia, Entrapta or notifications from pointless apps she seldom checked. Nothing from Adora. 

That was what Catra had wanted though, right? So why hadn’t that crippling guilt feeling fucked off yet? Catra shook the thought off and did her best to concentrate on her work whilst sleep deprived and mind swarming with an array of thoughts. It worked—for the most part. 

After work, Catra had gone back to the Whispering Woods library to return the two books she’d finished just last night, and picked up two more that could possibly hold answers. She had also considered just using the internet, but she wasn’t sure how accurate it’d be. Although, it would be quicker—Catra figured she should try the internet first before resorting to books again. She’d rather not stay up reading into the early hours of the day. Thankfully, it was a Friday, which meant no responsibilities until Monday again. With that in mind, she decided to buy a case of beer for herself and indulge in some shitty tv shows while buzzed.

It had been a while since she’d gotten drunk by herself, and exactly a week since she’d gotten drunk with Adora. Adora. She had ironically been the reason why Catra decided to get drunk on her own on a Friday night. Coming back from work, Catra had felt her coming in her direction, (most likely on an evening run) but there was no place she could hide, nowhere to run to, since they both lived at the same place. She prayed to the First Ones that Adora wouldn’t try to start a conversation with her, or try to get her to explain her abrupt outburst. It seemed like it worked. But instead, she got something worse in return. Somehow worse than that, somehow worse than the bright smile she’d received for weeks on end now that threatened to make her combust. Instead, she got a meek attempt of the infamous smile, one that looked more like a grimace. 

Worst of all were her eyes. Dull. They were sunken in and dull. 

And instead of the warmth Catra was used to, the euphoric feeling she’d become close friends with, she felt cold. The shiver that crawled up her spine was unlike the other ones—this one seemed to die along the way. Catra couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t stand the coldness, the emptiness, she  _ had _ to get rid of it, not permanently like she’d been trying to, but at least temporarily—something to mask it, wash over it, make her mind hazy. 

That was how her feet carried her to the liquor store instead of her apartment, and how she ended up with a whole case of beer for herself. When the same thing happened (passing Adora, the unintentionally somber smile, the chilling feeling, then the alcohol) multiple days in a row, Catra started making sure to avoid Adora completely. Dodging texts, or answering as little as possible was easy, she’d already started doing that, but dodging Adora turned herself out to be trickier; even if she did know her schedule pretty well, she could still be unpredictable at times. 

Nevertheless, she’d gotten the hang of it, only narrowly cutting it close occasionally. Other than that, Catra had been skilfully avoiding Adora for nearly two weeks. It sucked, even Catra could admit that. Scorpia had to point it out first though. 

“Wildcat, do you think this is a good idea?” she had asked when they were over at Entrapta’s house. “You seem kinda…well, you  _ are _ more irritable than usual.” 

Catra groaned. “It doesn’t matter if this is or isn’t a good idea, Scorp. I just need to find a solution—and I will—and then I won’t be ‘irritable’ okay?”

“I mean…sure, that could work, but I don’t see why you can’t just, I don’t know, talk to her?” Scorpia said with a shrug.

Entrapta butted in then and said, “Yes, Scorpia is right! My observations show that you were much less irritable when you allowed yourself to talk to Adora, and studies also show that communication is the most effective way to solve a relationship problem and that ignoring it—”

“Entrapta, there is no relationship, just  _ stop. _ I’m doing this  _ my _ way and I shouldn’t have to explain it to you guys, okay? Stop being so fucking ridiculous.” Catra snapped back, crossing her arms with a frown.

Letting out a small sigh, Scorpia tried once more. “Seriously, Catra. You could end up doing more harm than good.” 

In reply, Catra just let out a hiss and said, “I don’t. Care. No more talking about this.” 

Both knew better than to aggravate her further, and kept their mouths shut for the rest of the evening. 

Catra had felt horrible returning home that night. Not only had she shut out Adora, but she was starting to shut out her friends too. It seemed like she was close to hitting the self-destruct button like she had many times before. However, she shunned the thought as it came. No—she was getting better. She was going to therapy, being more open, being more vulnerable. This was just a setback. Once she found a solution, a way for the feelings to stop, everything would be back on course. 

She had yet to mention all this to her therapist. How would they react to all of this? What would they think, say? Probably just the standard therapy stuff. Or maybe not, sometimes they’d come out and say the last thing Catra expected them to say. That was probably why Catra  _ hadn’t _ said anything. Because she hardly wanted to think about it, let alone talk about it, and least of all, listen to what someone had to say about it. 

It was all so draining. Everything. 

So when Catra went home that day—pissed at Scorpia, pissed at Entrapta, pissed at the world, and most of all at herself—and wasn’t taunted by feeling Adora’s presence looming in the air, begging to be sought out, only a door between them, she was almost relieved. Then she was worried. It was a Sunday night, and Adora wasn’t one for going out to parties or clubs, especially not with work the next day. 

Obviously, all the calls and texts Catra had previously received had ceased, and Catra wouldn’t be the one to send one, even now. So she did the next best thing—checking her socials. The most obvious place to check first was Snapchat. As she sat on her couch, checking snap maps, she realised that according to this, Adora wasn’t even in Bright Moon right now. Anxiety spiked in her chest. Biting her lips, she swiped back down and then checked if there was anything on her story. The next app she checked was Instagram, which Adora definitely posted on more frequently. Surely there would be something on there. 

To her relief there was. A picture on her story of Adora holding a Starbucks coffee with a goofy smile and the caption:  _ work trip!  _ Catra nearly face palmed herself.  _ Of course.  _ With everything that had been going on she had completely forgot that Adora had mentioned she had a work trip coming up, which was apparently now. Adora worked at this sports marketing company, and they occasionally had promotional events, some of them being outside of Bright Moon. 

Briefly, Catra had thought that maybe Adora had upped and left, decided enough was enough, and that the punishment of being nearby didn’t suffice. But that was irrational and idiotic, she reminded herself. Adora wasn’t like that. She wasn’t unnecessarily cruel. And she probably had no clue why Catra was ignoring her.

Anyway, Catra decided this would be a good thing. For a couple of days, she’d be able to have a clear mind; work would be better, hanging out with friends would be fun again and she would be able to more efficiently look for a...cure or whatever. 

She had been searching all week now. Going through pages, and pages of searches, forums after forums, blog after blog. They all said the same—unhelpful—thing:  _ either one or both of them has to die, or you need to be as far away from them as humanly possible.  _ Catra didn’t intend on killing herself or Adora over this, or abandoning the life she’d made. For the first time in a while, she liked where she was at in life, where she was headed. So she needed to figure something out.  _ She had to.  _

Eventually, she gave up on the internet and went back to the books. Again, she cycled through another two, was unable to find anything, and got two more. This was the most reading she’d done in a while in such a short space of time, and she was reading about fucking  _ soulmates _ no less. At this point, she knew more than she’d ever wanted to, and decided after going to bed at 3am for the fifth time that week, that she was tired of it. She pushed the book off her bed (this one was called  _ The Unbreakable Bond, _ and the irony was not lost on her as she picked it up the other day) letting it drop to the floor as she sighed loudly, closing her eyes, letting sleep wash over her. 

It was a Saturday now—meaning it had nearly been a week of Adora being gone, of Catra not feeling that familiar warmth nearby. She almost missed it.  _ Almost.  _ Today, she’d decided on lazing around, since it felt like she hadn’t in a while. Most weekends, Scorpia had dragged her out of the house to stop her from moping, and before that, she’d done a lot of hanging out with Adora. Now, with Adora and her not talking, and Scorpia busy until later on, Catra had the perfect excuse to do absolutely nothing. Only, once she had finally sat down and turned her tv on, she felt restless. Like she had to do something. Which is how she’d ended up at the gym, on a Saturday, before midday. 

Turned out, having nothing to do caused Catra’s mind to circle back to  _ her.  _ The only suitable remedy other than alcohol—she  _ refused _ to become a day drinker—was mindlessly working out until her muscles ached so hard she could barely move. By the time she finished, she could hardly feel her legs and was ready to sleep for the rest of that day. At least this was one of her more healthy coping mechanisms. Getting back home was a struggle to say the least—Catra had never been so happy to see her bed. 

She slept for a good couple hours, and would have slept for a couple more, if it wasn’t for the jarring knock which startled her awake. Rubbing her eyes, she let out a yawn. Then she hauled herself out of bed, stretching her limbs on the way to the door. If the message from Scorpia on her phone was anything to go off, she could guess who had knocked. 

It was once she’d opened the door and her two friends came in that she noticed the subtle tingling in her limbs. It would have been easy to dismiss it as a post workout ache, but Catra knew better than that. 

Adora was back. 

Catra bit her lip, door still open as she stared at Adora’s. Maybe she could just—

“Catra, hey! You gonna sit down?” Scorpia asked as if it wasn’t her own house, already comfortable on the couch. 

“Huh? Yeah, duh. You guys want something to drink though?” she asked the both of them.

Neither were big on drinking, but every once in a while they indulged Catra. Today happened to be one of those days. By seven, they were all a little too drunk, sitting on the couch, laughing over a stupid rom-com. Catra really was enjoying herself, even despite knowing Adora was so close by. She couldn’t completely shake her presence though, and by eight, somehow it had gotten harder to ignore. Somewhere along the line, Catra had felt a headache coming on (the first in nearly a week) and chose to ignore it, but now, it was getting a little unbearable—even the shots couldn’t cover it up. And because of her enhanced senses, it made bad headaches ten times worse than they were for the average person—any little noise could aggravate it. 

When Scorpia noticed the way Catra’s ears were pinned to her head, she was happy to mute the tv, following what was happening through the subtitles, and Entrapta was hardly paying attention now—her attention had shifted to some game on her phone. They both offered to leave, but up until then, Catra had been enjoying their company and didn’t want to spoil the night because of a stupid headache. She’d just power through it. 

Only, even once the tv was muted and she’d taken some painkillers, her ears could still pick up on some incessant background noise that sounded a lot like…music? Entrapta wasn’t wearing headphones, so it couldn’t be her, therefore it wasn’t coming from Catra’s apartment at all. Catra scrunched up her face. 

“What’s wrong, Wildcat?” Scorpia asked, loud enough it made Catra flinch. “Oh, sorry—what’s wrong?” she said it in a whisper this time. 

“Nothing really, just…” Catra’s tail curled around her. “You probably can’t hear it, but there’s this annoying noise in the background, like, music or something. I dunno. It just—yeah.” 

Scorpia tried to listen out for it, and agreed that she couldn’t hear it. 

“Is it making it worse though?” she asked and Catra contemplated letting it go, but Scorpia would see right through her—it was easy to do in Catra’s current state. 

She nodded. 

“Do you know where it’s coming from?” 

Based on the direction of the sound, Catra had an idea. She wished she were actually wrong, but she never usually was when it came to these things. 

“Adora’s.” she mumbled into the hand covering her mouth. 

For a moment, it seemed like Scorpia genuinely hadn’t heard, until a second later she let out a silent  _ ohh  _ and got up from her seat. 

“Scorpia?” Catra stared up at her with a perplexed expression. “What are you doing?” 

She didn’t answer the question right away, instead focusing on hauling Entrapta up to her feet as well. Catra had no choice but to stand up too then—she didn’t want both of them towering over her. 

“C’mon,” Scorpia beckoned to the door. “All three of us can go and ask them to turn the music down.” 

Catra took a step back. “No—absolutely not. Why would I do that?” 

Scorpia rolled her eyes, which was something that did not happen often. “Because, Catra, it’s for your own good. If I have it in my power to help you, I will. But you  _ have _ to cooperate.” 

Entrapta agreed. “Cooperation and compromise is important in all relationships.” 

Letting out something between a sigh and a groan, Catra grumbled, “fine, let's just get this over with.” 

Seeing as there was some party going on, it was unlikely that Adora would even answer the door. Or maybe Catra was just telling herself that to feel better. As Catra knocked on the door, she felt her chest bubbling with anxiety. The headache coupled with the heaviness of knowing that Adora was just beyond that door made it feel like she was seconds away from imploding. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t Adora to answer the door. It was a young black man wearing a crop top that said,  _ gosh I love arrows.  _ From the crop top alone she knew this was one of Adora’s roommates—was it Arrow? Rainbow, maybe? Adora had mentioned him (and his fashion sense) a couple of times before, and she’d bumped into him on the occasion. He seemed okay. Just overly friendly, like everyone in this damn complex. 

“Oh, hey Catra!” He looked at Scorpia and Entrapta beside her. “And Catra’s friends! What brings you guys here?” 

Catra could hardly concentrate on what he was saying. She was still zoned in on that aggravating music. To add it, the few unrecognisable voices and laughs she could hear all merged into one overpowering sound. Luckily, Scorpia did most of the talking. 

“...so if you could turn the music down, that would be really great.” was all that she caught of Scorpia’s reply. Bow—that was it!—was nodding understandably, and was halfway through saying something when someone who wasn’t at the door interrupted. 

“Bow? Who is it then?” The voice wasn’t Adora’s, that’s all Catra knew. 

“It’s just Catra,” he replied, and immediately put a hand over his mouth. That wasn’t reassuring. 

Catra furrowed her brows as Bow got practically pushed out of the way—he had protested against it, but to no avail—and in his place, stood a girl around her height, wearing a bright coloured dress, with purple hair and...glitter on her face? Must be Shimmer. Or Glitter? That name would certainly fit well. 

Instead of the warm smile Bow had greeted them with, she was much colder. Her face remained fairly neutral as she studied Scorpia and Entrapta, but as soon as her eyes landed on Catra she  _ frowned. _ Catra had never even spoken to this girl. What was her problem? 

“What do  _ you  _ want?” she asked, looking directly at Catra. 

Despite this, Scorpia began to answer. “Well, we’re just here because—”

“Scorpia.” Catra shook her head. “It’s okay.  _ Sparkles _ here was addressing me.”

“Sparkles?” Glimmer said with a sharp laugh. Catra wasn’t intimidated even slightly. 

She took a step forward, and it was enough that she could see into the apartment. It was quite dim, but she could make out a few bodies, all sitting around in a circle. However, it was substantially quieter than it had been before. This was a bad idea. 

“Yeah, suits, doesn't it? Anyway, we just came to ask if you could turn your shitty music down, it’s hurting my ears.” Catra gestured up at them. 

Glimmer took a breath before answering, and Catra wished she would just hurry up, because she just wanted to curl up into a ball with a blanket over her and sleep—sleep until she couldn’t anymore. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to be this close to Adora, so close that her presence was starting to cloud the air, yet so far. So far from where they were. Where they could be if Catra wasn’t so stubborn, so hurt, so damaged. 

None of that mattered right now though. What did matter was getting them to  _ turn down _ that fucking music. 

“What makes you think you have the right to ask for anything after what you did?” Glimmer asked, though it was hardly a question and more of an accusation. 

Sure, she sensed a little attitude from the girl (maybe it  _ was _ a short people thing) but she hadn’t expected  _ that.  _

Catra was stunned. “What? I—”

“Glimmer, the pies are ready!” 

As soon as she’d heard her voice, Catra’s heart had skipped a beat. Not now. She couldn’t do this now. 

Adora came up to the door to see what all the commotion was about, and immediately froze when she saw Catra. 

“Uh, Glim, I think I left a pie in the oven. Could you go and, like, check for me?” Adora asked. It was obviously a lie. Catra knew it, Sparkles knew it, Scorpia knew it—and Entrapta would have, if it wasn’t for the fact she was more focused on her phone. 

Glimmer protested. “But, Adora—”

“Seriously. I would hate for them to burn.” she cut her off, tone a little too dark for her to be talking about just pies. 

Muttering, Glimmer walked off, leaving only Adora at the door. She stepped outside, shutting the door to lessen the noise, or prevent eavesdropping. 

“Catra…hey.” Adora offered her a small smile, and it took all of Catra’s willpower not to wrap her tail around herself—a poor attempt to shield herself away from it all, to lessen the cold chill that ran up her spine. 

“Hey, Adora.” Catra said, though she was uncharacteristically quiet as she said it. She was sure Adora noticed.

She regarded Scorpia and Entrapta next, and had somehow remembered both their names, greeting them with a friendly smile without hesitation. Once they’d swapped pleasantries, Catra thought that would finally be her opportunity to ask (for the third time) for them to turn the music down, and Adora, being Adora, would say yes, and then they could go on their merry way. 

Instead, Scorpia and Entrapta  _ kept _ talking. About what? Catra couldn’t tell, it was hard enough to concentrate on one person talking, let alone three having a whole conversation. After a couple of minutes, she had lost her patience and finally spoke up. 

“Scorpia, Entrapta?” She looked at them, unimpressed, reminding them why they were here. Then she turned to face Adora. “If you don’t stop them, they will talk all night.” Catra said dryly, though Adora had laughed at the unintentional joke. 

It had been over two weeks since she’d heard that sweet sound, but it made her heart flutter and face heat up all the same. Then she realised that  _ this _ wasn’t what she was here to do. 

Clearing her throat, she said, “anyway, could you just, I don’t know, turn the music off? It’s not loud but—”

“You’re sensitive to sound.” Adora finished the sentence, nodding. “Yeah, no problem. Sorry about it.”

“It’s whatever.” Catra shrugged. 

Adora made no move to go back inside and turn it down however; the three of them stood there, waiting, when she said, “Actually, Catra, could I talk to you? Alone?” The look on her face was desperate, though the blue in her eyes still sparkled with a smidge of hope, the way the sun reflected off the sea on a bright summer day. It was a shame Catra couldn’t give into that hope. 

Scorpia jumped in, retreating backwards as she said, “oh, it  _ is _ getting late, me and Entrapta should probably head—”

“No. You guys are fine.” she said to the two of them. “I can’t really focus with all the noise, so maybe another time.” Catra said, trying her best to come across polite. 

But Adora was insistent. “We can go to my room, it’s quiet there? Or, y’know, outside? I really don’t mind, I just—”

“Look,” Catra pinched the bridge of her nose, “I’m  _ not _ in the mood. So go back to your little party with your prissy friends, okay?” 

She hadn’t meant to snap. She really hadn’t. But having Adora close by, talking to her again after two weeks of nothing, was a shock to the system, to say the least. Mixed with the headache, Catra’s patience was extremely limited. 

Adora didn’t seem surprised, or even hurt by the sudden outburst. No, it was worse than that. She seemed  _ angry.  _

This time, Catra couldn’t control her tail wrapping around her ankle and she just barely covered up a tremble with an unconvincing cough.

“Seems like you’re never in the mood to talk to me anymore.” Adora said, and her eyes that were previously filled with hope now seemed cloudy. 

Catra’s tail tightened. Taking a gulp didn’t help the dryness in her throat. “Well.” was all she could manage with Adora’s stare crushing her, the weight being almost too heavy to bear. 

Adora turned to leave, knowing the conversation was going nowhere. Catra watched her, just like Adora had a couple weeks ago. With Adora’s gaze off her, Catra tried again. 

“Welcome back, Adora.”

Before the door slammed, she heard a scoff. 

After that, the mood had been irreversibly dampened, so Scorpia and Entrapta left soon after. 

“You sure you’re gonna be okay, Wildcat?” Scorpia had asked as they were heading out the door. 

Catra mustered up the best smile she could—it hadn’t been convincing at all—and said, “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Scorp. Go home.” 

Scorpia didn’t argue.

Catra went straight to bed after that. On Sunday, she didn’t do much of anything at all. Her body ached from her gym session, and she had nowhere to be anyway. Sunday’s had often been reserved for Adora. Now, they were a blank, empty space where something—someone—once was. Catra tried not to think about it—to think about Adora. But the only other thing her brain wanted to ruminate over (for what reason, Catra didn’t know) was her past, her childhood, the life she’d desperately clawed her way out of. She thought about the stories she’d been told as a child. How she’d been told that those who thought they had a soulmate were sick. The irony of it now. Maybe she  _ was _ sick. Thinking about those stories made her think of Adora again. It was an endless cycle. Catra considered calling her therapist. She didn’t. 

By the end of Sunday, she couldn’t wait for work to come around—just so she’d have something to do. 

The rest of the week was mostly a blur. A blur that Catra didn’t care to remember. A blur Catra didn’t _ want _ to remember. Adora had finally accepted the silent treatment and started to avoid Catra equally as much, which meant she hardly had to worry about it anymore. When they would pass each other, there were no smiles—somber or full of life—only avoiding eye contact, looking at the ground, refusing to exchange glances. Catra had always thought if Adora stopped smiling, stopped looking at her like she was the only thing that mattered, that it would be easier. But everyday that week when she passed without acknowledging her at all, Catra felt a little more hollow, a little more empty inside. 

At this point, she wanted an argument, she wanted to shout, to be angry, to explode over it all—and she knew that as long as she was bonded to Adora, she would probably feel like that. As long as she was nearby. By the end of the week, Catra was genuinely contemplating leaving. To where? She had no clue. But frankly, it didn’t matter, as long as it was far away from Bright Moon. From Adora. 

Their stalemate inevitably broke on Sunday. Catra had just gone grocery shopping because she hadn’t stocked up in weeks and she was tired of having nothing other than beer and old Chinese takeaway in the house. Because of this, she had bought a lot of things, and therefore, she had a lot of bags to carry. More than she could handle. So when she’d gotten to her door, she knew that opening it would be a struggle. Honestly, she should have put her keys in a more reachable place—shoving it in her back pocket had to be the stupidest mistake she’d made all day. As she struggled to juggle the obscene amount of bags in one hand (she was determined for them to stay off the floor), she also sensed Adora coming up the elevator. It shouldn’t have mattered, and after seven days of ignoring each other, Catra’s heart shouldn’t have sped up, her face shouldn’t have grown hotter, but it still did. She reminded herself nothing would happen; Adora wouldn’t talk to her now, especially if she hadn’t in a week—this wasn’t a special occasion.

The elevator had opened now, and Adora was now in Catra’s peripheral vision, strolling down the hallway, in a surprisingly chipper mood. Every day when Catra had seen her, she looked almost as miserable as her. Now, she looked as if the whole of this week hadn’t happened. Catra felt something stir inside her, something close to resentment. 

She had grown so distracted by her presence that Catra hardly noticed—and just when she’d finally reached her key!—one of her bags tore open, and all of the items in it came pouring out, just as Adora had reached her door. She knew she should have gotten the stronger bags.

“Shit,” she murmured, dropping her other bags on the floor in an attempt to salvage what had fallen. Her back was facing Adora, and when she didn’t hear the sound of her lock turning, she knew what that meant. Catra cursed Adora’s altruism. 

“Here, lemme help.” Adora said.

She walked over, crouching down to grab a carton of milk off the ground, just as Catra went to get the same one. Their hands brushed—and after so long of not feeling the sensation, the usual small jolt felt like an electric shock. Catra let out a hiss, and Adora stepped back. 

“I don’t need your help,” Catra picked up the carton herself to prove it. Some of the milk was leaking out of it. She cursed. 

“Well, I’m offering to help, okay?” Adora took a step forward, picking up an avocado from the ground.

Catra snatched it back. “No. Not ‘okay’. You don’t get to force things on me. If I don’t want your help, _ I don’t want it. _ Clear?”

Adora picked another item off the ground. “Not clear. I don’t want to play this avoiding game anymore. I’m tired, Catra.” Another step. 

Faltering for a second, Catra felt herself getting overwhelmed by that heat again, by Adora’s unyielding stare and the bright blue of her eyes, pinning her to the spot; equally, she couldn’t help but notice how underneath, they were sunken in, dark. Catra did her best to shake it off though, letting out a sharp laugh. 

“Who said it was a game, Adora?” 

Adora was silent. Catra took the other fruit out of her hands. She began picking up the rest of them and shoving it into other bags. Adora was still standing there. It was only a matter of seconds before she said something.

“Catra, seriously, can’t we just talk? We can’t keep doing this.  _ Please. _ I just want you to hear me out.” She grabbed Catra’s shoulder, and she jolted away from it immediately, trying to ignore the aftershock of the contact. 

Standing up straight, Catra looked right into Adora’s eyes and said, “Well, I want you to fuck off. I’m not gonna say it nicely anymore.”

She thought that would get through to Adora, that she was being as blunt as can be. But she pushed on. 

“What about  _ me, _ Catra? Have you thought about that?”

Adora was right. Catra hated that. She hated it so much,  _ so much, _ because she supposed she hadn’t, but she couldn’t right now, her mind was overwhelmed by every little thing, every single thought; Adora’s stare was too much, too soul crushing, too devastating, and what came out next was—

“I don’t fucking care about you! Have you thought that maybe me avoiding you is because I want nothing to do with you? Because I don’t. So leave me the hell alone.” 

As soon as it came out, as soon as she saw Adora’s face fall, and the way she staggered back, she wished the words had died in her throat. They hadn’t. The chilling cold was back, accompanied by a new feeling: 

Utter heartbreak. 

Catra didn’t put her groceries away that day. 

  
  
  


**V. if only I could let you go.**

  
  


After two and a half weeks of wallowing in misery, Catra finally came clean to her therapist about everything. She’d had this therapist for over a year now, and although at first she’d practically refused to talk to them, (Scorpia had forced her into it despite her protests) slowly she began opening up to them, and realised that having a shrink wasn’t such a bad thing. It definitely helped that they were quite eccentric too—they weren’t one for formalities, so right from Catra’s first session they’d commented how they hated being addressed as a Doctor, so Catra called them DT instead. Catra actually quite liked them—they weren’t a pushover; they’d actually had quite a rough past and understood Catra’s struggles, which was why they’d wanted to do this job in the first place—to help people like her; and they were very no nonsense with her, never sugar-coating or bullshitting, pointing out things which most people wouldn’t. Though, Catra supposed that was their job. 

The fact she knew whatever DT had to say wouldn’t be something she necessarily wanted to hear had meant that when they’d asked about Adora, she had begun to omit most of the details; once they’d started avoiding each other, well, she just straight up lied. But after another grating week where the headaches and heartache didn’t want to quiet down, Catra knew she couldn’t keep going like this. 

On Wednesday, Catra got to her session earlier than usual, because work got cut a little shorter and she had nowhere else to be, and as she sat down in the familiar arm chair, DT looked up from the paper on their desk with a slightly amused smile. Catra knew they wanted to say something, a snide remark probably, but restrained from doing so after a moment of studying her. 

“You seem…tense. Anything going on?” 

Catra scoffed, crossing her arms. “When is there not something going on?” 

Her therapist nodded, as if to say _fair point_ and also, _do_ _go on._

Sighing, she focused on the pot of pens on DT’s desk and started trying to piece some words together. “Well…recently I haven’t been doing too great, I guess. And maybe I should have brought it up sooner, but I thought I was handling it. So...um, you know when you asked me about that girl, Adora? How that was going and stuff?” She bit her lip before saying, “Something happened, kind of, and we stopped talking.”

Catra looked to see DT’s reaction. Like a true professional, their face was fairly neutral and it frustrated Catra that she couldn’t read what that expression meant. 

“Well?” Catra said when they still hadn’t said anything. 

“I figured.” They replied. 

“What?” Catra leaned forward in her seat, head tilted as she tried to decipher what they meant. 

“It was obvious you were lying, darling, I’m a therapist after all.” Catra sank back down into her seat as they continued. “I knew you’d come clean eventually. But the real question is: why lie? What’s the story behind this, huh?”

Tail curling, Catra opened her mouth then hesitated. The only person she’d explained all this to was Scorpia, and that was before she really knew the severity of the situation. Now that she  _ did,  _ it was so much worse. But DT’s encouraging smile that said  _ I’m listening, _ gave her the push she needed to start, right from when she had first laid eyes on Adora, to now. 

Catra did her best not to leave a single detail out, did her best to describe every single feeling, every emotion; how she was initially intrigued, but never intended on getting close, how well they’d gotten along and the warmth she felt when she was around Adora, how there was this undeniable tension in the air; how when under Adora’s stare she felt like she was carrying tonnes; to the heat, the sparks all becoming too much, and the headaches and Catra realising what it all meant, what they were. 

_ “Soulmates, _ then? That’s rare. How did it make you feel, when you found out?”

Considering her answer for a moment, Catra shifted in her seat. “Terrified, I guess. New shit is…scary. So yeah, scared, but…I also didn’t know what to think. I grew up being told all of that stuff was fake. That you were supposed to be the one in control and that the universe didn’t decide things for you—no one was destined for anything unless they worked for it. All while  _ she  _ controlled every little thing I did, and for a while I refused to admit it.

“I was never really in control, despite what they told us. Now, I have that—the freedom I’ve always wanted. So I guess it felt like, like someone’s trying to take control of my life again. It’s all so overwhelming. And I couldn’t control it, not around her, so I thought if I wasn’t around Adora, I’d be more in control again. But I‘m not.” Her ears were pressed against her head. 

“Catra, you like this girl, right?” DT asked after a moment. She nodded. “So, get rid of the soulmate stuff for a second—what’s stopping you from being honest with her?”

Taking a gulp, Catra mumbled. “Well…it’s ‘cause I don’t deserve her. She needs someone better than me. Someone who isn’t, y’know, a self-destructive piece of shit.”

DT let out a thoughtful hum. “It seems to me that you're driving her away on purpose, Catra. Because you’re scared of the intimacy, scared of getting hurt, scared of the uncertainty. But most of all, because you’re scared of  _ yourself. _ And you can’t live like that for your whole life.” 

Catra had tried hard not to cry, not to let her emotions get the best of her—but they had for over a week, and it wasn’t going to change now. DT passed her the tissue box, and she grabbed a handful. They waited for her to blow her nose before continuing.

“You’ve got to let people in, and you have been more recently, which is good. But darling, if the  _ First Ones _ themselves are telling you that you two are meant to be together, then you are. You like this girl. From what I’ve heard, she likes you too. Catra, you’re forcing yourself to be unhappy, can’t you see?”

Catra tried to interject, “No, I—” but the words died in her throat and her therapist powered on.

“I know you thought that what you were doing would make things better in the long run. That it was self-preservation, protection. But you’ve come into every session these past couple weeks absolutely miserable—don’t think I didn’t notice—and you just don’t deserve that. You  _ do _ deserve her, you deserve this more than anyone I know. In fact, because you’ve had a pretty shitty life so far, I’d say that this must be the universe's way of making it up to you.” There was a small smile on their face, offering her comfort, support, reminding her she didn’t have to face this all alone. 

Wiping a straggling tear, Catra said, “DT, I—” her voice cracked, but she tried again. “But I fucked everything up. She probably hates me now.”

“I don’t think she hates you. I just think you need to make it up to her. Big time.” They said. 

Catra pondered over the words for a moment, then looked over at the clock and realised she had extremely overran her allocated time slot, and began to get up, putting her bag on her back. 

“My bad, didn’t realise the time. I, uh, better get going.”

DT waved it off. “It happens. Take care, okay? See you next week.”

“Yeah, see you then.” Before Catra could rush out the door, she stopped, turning back to say, “Thank you. Really.”

She didn’t wait for a reply. 

That night, she went home feeling decidedly lighter than she had in awhile. The miserable fog that had been casted over her head was beginning to clear—peaks of light were starting to poke through. 

Starting from tomorrow, Catra would find a way to make everything up to Adora. 

The problem with that, however, was that she still had work then, which meant she didn’t have much time at all to think about how she was going to fix things. By the end of the day, she had grown so exhausted that she thought her brain would turn to mush; though the exhaustion was much better than the dejected numbness she’d grown used to feeling in the past few weeks. 

Despite how all Catra could think about was the image of her bed, waiting for her to sleep in it, when she got a message from Scorpia asking if she wanted to hang, with a location attached to it, she found herself responding almost instantly with: _I’ll_ _be there in 30 mins._

She wasn’t usually one for going out on work nights—at least not anymore, just a year ago and it was the complete opposite—as she very much valued being well-rested and in peace, but she was eager to talk to someone about the situation (and Catra being eager to talk didn’t happen much) and who better than Scorpia? As she entered the bar, she saw her sitting at one of the far booths with Entrapta next to her, and she couldn’t stop her lips tugging upwards at the sight of her two friends. Dorks.

“Wildcat! Hey! You seem in a good mood—was work that good?” Scorpia got up to give her a hug. To her surprise, Catra didn’t protest as usual, instead she let out a laugh. 

“You could say that,” she said as she slid into the booth. “Hey ‘Trapta.” she nudged her with her foot, and Entrapta looked up from her phone. 

Putting it in her pocket, she studied Catra before saying, “Scorpia is right, you do look less gloomy. That’s good.” 

“Glad to know you care,” she replied with a hint of sarcasm. 

Scorpia had already ordered them some snacks and drinks; beer for the two of them and a soda for Entrapta since she was driving—and she preferred them anyway. Once they were finally settled and had indulged in some small talk, the topic finally shifted to the bizarrely good mood Catra was in, after weeks of that not being the case. 

“So, Catra…” Scorpia scooted forward in her seat, closer to Catra. “are we gonna address the elephant in the room here?” 

Catra scoffed, as if she didn’t know what she meant. “There’s no elephant, Scorp.”

“Well, I think the elephant Scorpia is referring to is the drastic change in your mood!” Entrapta pointed out, and Catra rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah, duh. Okay, wanna know why I’m in a good mood?”

They both nodded. 

“Because I’ve decided that I…I need to talk to Adora. And apologise. Because I’ve realised I  _ do _ want her in my life—soulmate or not.” It had been one of the first times she’d uttered the word since her talk with Scorpia about the matter. It was odd—acknowledging it out loud.

“Oh, thank the First Ones! I thought I’d have to, like, shout at you or something to get you to come to your senses.” Scorpia let out a heavy sigh, as if she were a runner who’d just finished a marathon. 

“And I thought I’d have to break out the hard-hitting statistics!” Entrapta said after, equally exasperated. 

Catra felt a pang in her chest—although her friends had said it quite lightheartedly, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for all that she’d put them through the last few weeks. She had been insufferable, to say the least. Catra vowed to herself that she’d make it up to them, even if they insisted it was fine. For now, however, she had another task at hand.

“Luckily for me, you don’t have to do any of that. But…I do need your help.”

Both of them perked up at that, leaning in and waiting for Catra to elaborate. It made her slightly uneasy—the two of them listening intently to what she had to say, which would most definitely sound stupid coming out of her mouth. Still, she took a sip of her beer, cleared her throat, and tried to explain.

“So obviously, I need to apologise. But after being an A+ asshole, something as simple as ice cream or a bottle of wine won’t make for a good peace offering. Yesterday, DT said I needed to make it up to her ‘big time’, but…how the fuck do I do that?” Catra threw her hands up, gesturing to nothing.

Scorpia had a hand on her chin, humming, while Entrapta took a long sip of her Fanta. Catra looked between the two of them, nails drumming against the table. After possibly a minute of this, Catra groaned. 

“Well? Anything?”

“You can’t rush perfection, Wildcat.” Scorpia said in a semi-sagely voice. “But wait, oh, I think an idea is coming to me! What about…a big public gesture—like in the movies?” 

Catra stared at her with a deadpan look. “No. Fuck no. I hardly like expressing my feelings to the people _ I have _ to, why would I want to express them to her with a bunch of strangers around?”

“You have feelings for her?” Scorpia pouted. 

Catra had to fight the urge to lean over the table and smack her in the head. Though she still snapped back, “Scorpia! Focus!” 

“Okay, okay,” she said with her hands up in defence. “You  _ did _ say big though.” 

“Not that big.” Catra turned to Entrapta. “What about you, Brainiac? Any ideas?”

Entrapta considered her answer, then said, “well, I thought about it, and I think the best thing to do is to give her a token of your love.” 

Catra choked on the beer she’d been sipping. Scorpia leaned over to pat her on the back, but she swatted her away. 

With a cough, she said, “my love?” 

Entrapta nodded. 

Deciding against unpacking that, Catra brought the conversation away from  _ that  _ to, “what kind of token are we talking about?” 

Shrugging, Entrapta said, “flowers, chocolate, maybe a personalised gift if you want something more specific to their character. Oh—and of course a card, or a note, detailing your feelings slash begging for forgiveness.”

Scorpia, clearly enthusiastic about the idea, was smiling widely next to her.

“Okay,” Catra nodded. “Not terrible. But I still need to figure out how to even get her to talk to me.” 

“Isn’t that the easy part? Just message her saying you want to talk. Or, y’know, knock on her door. She lives across the hall from you, Wildcat.” Scorpia said.

Stifling a scoff, Catra replied, “Scorpia. This girl is almost as stubborn as me. If not  _ more.  _ There’s no way after all the times I’ve left her on read that she would jump at a message from me.”

“So, what are you gonna do?” Entrapta asked. 

“Yeah…still thinking about that one.” Catra huffed. Who knew planning how to apologise to someone could be so long winded? 

Scorpia let out an  _ ‘oh!’ _ and both Catra and Entrapta turned to face her. 

“I think I have an idea. Though, I don’t know how much you’re gonna like it…” 

Catra didn’t. At all. But she decided she would have to suck it up. For Adora’s sake. For her own sake. Once she’d gotten home from the bar, and the tipsy-ness and brief high of hope had worn off, the incessant headache Catra had almost grown used to in the past few weeks came back with a strong sense of vengeance. At least it was quiet. And although she couldn’t fix everything this instant, she would. 

That night, Catra went to bed, with the presence of Adora nearby being comforting and reassuring, rather than suffocating and heartbreaking. She dreamt of the night sky, and the moon, and the stars, of warmth in the air and a fire in her chest. The next morning, as Catra remembered it all, a smile sprung on her face. 

Friday at work was bearable. Fun even. Though Catra was still itching to get out so she could start getting everything together that she needed. She was planning on saving the hardest job until last. In other words—putting it off for as long as possible. In the meantime, she went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. She also decided to take Entrapta’s advice and wrote out a ‘letter of apology’ or something of the sort. And despite her profession in journalism, it took her a few hours to write something that only slightly portrayed her regret, and what she had been feeling at the time to cause her to act that way. It still felt unfinished, even by the time Catra was rewriting the words for maybe the tenth time at close to 1am. There was something integral missing—the mention of them being soulmates. But Catra felt as though that would have been a cowardly way to tell Adora—she needed to say the words herself. Frankly, Catra wasn’t even sure if mentioning it was a good idea, so soon after Adora’s—presumed—forgiveness. What if she didn’t believe her? What if the idea scared her like it had Catra? What if she ran away from it all, from Catra? They were irrational thoughts, Catra knew just as much, but that didn’t stop her from ruminating over the possibility when she should have been sleeping. Eventually, she settled on not putting it in the letter, but if the opportunity arose, she would tell her on the spot. That could work. Perfect.

Once the weekend had officially rolled up, Catra knew it was finally time to go through with the last stage in her plan. The one she’d been dreading. Taking a deep breath, she brought her knuckles up to Door 19 and knocked. 

“Coming!” a voice said from the other side. 

Catra stood there, impatient, tail slightly swaying side to side. She heard footsteps, then the click of the lock, and braced herself for the reaction of the other person. 

“Oh. It’s  _ you.” _ Sparkles—no, Glimmer—said, spitting the words like they were venom.

Ignoring her entirely, Catra asked, “Adora’s not here, right?” even though she already knew the answer. 

It was 7am on a Saturday morning (far too early for Catra, but she supposed some sacrifices had to be made for the greater good), which meant Adora was out on her morning run. Also, no chills ran up her spine, nor did she feel that faint tingling—the most obvious way to tell whether or not she was here. Despite that, she had still asked, arguably to make it seem like she had merely guessed she wouldn’t be in, and not that she’d been planning this for days. Ultimately, it was just a stalling tactic.

“Uh…nope. Morning run. You must know that by now.” Glimmer was still glaring at her suspiciously. “Anyway, why are you here, Catra?”

“Nice to see you too, Sparkles,” Catra said with a grin, but when Glimmer started to shut the door it faltered. “Okay, okay, wait! It’s about Adora.” she said quickly. 

Interest regained, Glimmer opened the door again, a little wider. She bit the inside of her cheek, then relented. “Fine, come in.”

Catra almost wanted to say thank you. Instead, she nodded and stepped into the apartment. She followed her into the living room, and as she sat down in one of the two armchairs, Glimmer left for a moment, telling her to wait there. Her ear twitched as she listened to the hushed tones of Glimmer and Bow in the next room. 

“Hey babe, who was at the door?” she heard Bow say.

Babe? She hadn’t known they were together, though they did seem like a good match. Catra couldn’t help but feel bad for Adora having to live with a couple. Wouldn’t that be terrifying?

_ “Catra.” _ Glimmer said her name as if Catra had personally wronged her. 

It was almost comedic how much she seemed to dislike her.

“Something about Adora.” she said and from there, Catra stopped listening, tuning out the rest of the conversation.

After another minute or two of spacing out, Catra heard the door click open, with both Glimmer and Bow coming out. Great—two on one, Catra knew she should have brought back up. Although Bow was basically harmless. Bow sat down on the couch, while Glimmer seemed content to stand, most definitely to assert some dominance over Catra. 

“You have five minutes.” she said, crossing her arms. 

Catra opened her mouth to start what she had (just barely) rehearsed before knocking on the door, but found herself opening and closing her mouth, once, twice, three times. Glimmer watched her with a brow raised, and it took everything out of Catra not to snap at her. The words which finally came out of mouth weren’t necessarily the right ones, but they were words nonetheless. 

“I cared about Adora.” Glimmer looked at her slightly puzzled, but she kept going. “I still do. And I know what I did—it wasn’t cool—”

“Understatement of the century.” Glimmer muttered, and Bow shot her a look.

“Okay, it was  _ really _ shitty of me. But, I wanna fix it.” Catra said. As she waited for a reply, she shifted in her seat. 

“Sure, but why not go and tell this to her and not us?” she asked, genuinely sounding curious. 

Catra scoffed. “Do you think Adora would be willing to hear me out right now? That she’d answer my messages?” 

“Good point.” Bow said. “Adora can be very stubborn.” 

With a groan, Glimmer said. “Okay, yeah, you’re right. But what are we supposed to do about this?” 

Catra smirked. “I have an idea in mind.”

By the time Catra had finished explaining it all, and Bow and Glimmer had run out of questions to ask, Catra had been there for nearly half an hour, which was far too long for her liking. They bid her goodbye, Bow’s friendly, and Glimmer’s clearly forced. It hardly mattered to Catra, she was practically elated at how everything had actually gone to plan. She was nearly at the final hurdle, in the final stretch—only a couple more days.

Catra had never been the patient type, so having to wait a little more before she could talk to Adora and set the record straight wasn’t easy. Every time her gaze failed to meet Catra’s, she felt as if someone was slowly chipping away at her heart, all while that cold chill ran through her. It could be hard to concentrate on work some days—the headaches certainly didn’t help. They weren’t as bad as before though, now they were more mellow, only a minor annoyance instead of an incessant pain. 

As much as it hurt to see Adora hurting still, she reminded herself  _ it wouldn’t be like this forever,  _ wishing she could relay the same message to Adora. Soon she’d know though. 

When DT asked Catra about it at their therapy session that week, for once, Catra didn’t hesitate to tell them anything. 

“Good that you’re taking initiative!” They had said. 

Finally, after a long, hard, gruelling week, Friday was here, and Catra was filled with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. She got home from work as quickly as possible to have enough time to get everything ready, and then once she’d prepared adequately, she left to go to the spot. 

It was around seven now, the sun had just fallen but it wasn’t completely dark yet. There were few people around, which Catra was glad for. She was sitting on the park bench—the same park bench they had gotten drunk on what felt like a century ago—thrumming with nerves as she waited, tail unable to keep still unless she wrapped it around herself, but even then it would twitch. After nearly twenty minutes of waiting, she felt a familiar spark travel up her spine; her heart sped up and her body was considerably warmer. This was it. 

Adora was in her line of sight now, which meant she was in hers. For the first time in weeks, they locked eyes with each other, and Catra nearly shuddered at that alone. Adora wore her usual leggings, running shoes, and today, a black windbreaker. Catra got up from the bench to meet her halfway. 

Face to face now, Catra could see Adora didn’t look pleased. “Catra, where’s Glimmer? She said she—”

“She’s not here.” she cut her off, earning her another annoyed glare. 

Adora scoffed, saying, “yeah, I can see that.” She started to turn to leave.

“Wait!” Catra reached out for her, and as her fingers brushed Adora’s shoulder, she felt that familiar, small jolt and withdrew.

Adora had most definitely felt something too, because her shoulder seemed to shrug involuntarily at the contact. She had stopped walking now, but only half of her was facing Catra. 

“Why should I?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“Huh?” Catra said, perplexed by the question.

“Why should I wait, Catra?” Adora was facing her again. In fact, she’d taken a step forward, face only inches away from Catra. She was close enough that she could feel the heat radiating off her body, that she could see the thin layer of sweat on her forehead, that she could  _ smell _ it.

Catra forced herself to focus on what she was saying, rather than…other things. “I asked her to say that.” she said. 

Another scoff. “I don’t believe you.” 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Catra. Why would she believe her after everything? 

Glancing at the ground, then back up again, Catra took a breath before speaking. “I asked her to say that so I could talk to you. Because I knew you wouldn’t wanna listen. And I understand. I understand if you never want to talk to me again, but  _ please,  _ hear me out.”

Being under Adora’s stare was usually quite overwhelming—not knowing what she was thinking or what she could say next didn’t help either—but this time, seeing her with this conflicted look on her face, mouth set in a straight line and eyes attempting (and succeeding) at piercing through Catra’s soul—it took everything not to look away. 

After a couple more seconds of this, Adora had made her decision. 

“Okay…fine.” she took a step back, making it a little easier for Catra to breathe. 

Adora was letting her take control, letting her talk. Catra couldn’t be more grateful. 

Catra gestured to the bench with the flick of her tail, and Adora followed after her. They sat down a respectable distance away from each other, nearly at opposite ends. Another moment of silence passed, and Catra knew she couldn’t stall much longer. Her heart drummed in her chest louder than it ever had before, so loud she was sure if it wasn’t for Adora’s inferior hearing capabilities (at least in comparison to hers) that she’d be able to hear it. 

Clearing her throat, she began. “I, uhm…” she scrambled to get the letter out of her pocket. It was in a red envelope, and had  _ Adora  _ written in her scrawly handwriting on the front. Catra thought it was redundant to write her name on it, but Scorpia had insisted. She held it out to Adora. “I wrote you this. Because I’m not, y’know, the best at...feelings and stuff. But I can say this, Adora.” She paused, taking a gulp. “I’m really,  _ really _ fucking sorry. What I did…it was a shitty thing to do. It wasn’t fair. And what I said the last time we spoke, it was terrible, so terrible and untrue and—I guess I was just upset. And overwhelmed. So, yeah. The letter is probably better at explaining it all.”

Adora looked at it for a moment, then took it from Catra’s hands to open it. As she started reading, Catra was tempted to look away, so she didn’t have to try and gauge her reaction from every little twitch of her eyebrow or curl of her lip. It was just over a page long, so although it didn’t take Adora more than a couple minutes to read, Catra felt like an eternity had passed by the time she was done. Her heart was still beating loudly in her chest (somehow even louder than before), her ears were pressed close to her head, and her tail kept twitching every couple seconds. She was glad Adora was so focused on reading that she hadn’t even spared a glance her way yet. Catra’s nerves were calmed by Adora’s expression softening as she read on: the way she bit her bottom lip; the way her brows creased and started to well with water had made Catra’s heart clench. She desperately wanted to reach out and hold her. Near the end of the letter, Adora perked up again, even stifling a laugh at a joke Catra had put in as a poor attempt to wrap things up in a somewhat light-hearted manner. 

Folding the letter neatly and putting it back into the envelope, Adora slipped it in her pocket, then finally met eyes with Catra. They looked at each other, saying nothing with words, but millions with their eyes. Catra’s mismatched ones spoke of regret, of guilt, but also hope—hope she could fix what she’d broken; Adora’s spoke of willingness, of forgiveness, and faith, that maybe this could work out after all. Maybe she had always thought so. 

She shifted a smidge closer, a tentative smile on her face as she said, “Catra…”

Catra returned the gesture with her own timid smile. 

“Just so you know, you don’t have to forgive me, at least not straight away. I want to prove myself to you—I wanna be better. So, take your time.”

Adora shook her head. “Of course I forgive you. But, yeah, it might take some time for things to get back to the way they were—actually, no, they’ll be better.” She wore the smile more naturally now. Catra had missed it. 

“Hopefully.” she whispered. She wasn’t sure whether Adora had heard her or not, as she moved the conversation onto something entirely different. 

“You said you made a blueberry pie?” Adora asked, and Catra was actually glad she’d reminded her because she had almost forgotten she’d brought it. Lifting up a bag behind the bench and placing it between them, Catra gestured for her to look inside. She had made it after coming back from work. Catra wasn’t much of a baker, however, and hadn’t had the opportunity to taste it, so she could only hope it tasted as good as it looked. It was in an old cake tin she’d had lying around, nothing special. Atop of it, however, was one red rose flower (once again, because of Scorpia’s insistence. “You have to be at least a little romantic, c’mon Wildcat!” she had said, and even though Catra had claimed she thought it was ‘a fucking waste of money’ she’d found herself at the flower shop after work buying one before she could even rethink it.) and if Adora’s little gasp was anything to go by, she hadn’t expected that.

“Yep,” she said, answering her question, refusing to acknowledge Adora’s reaction. “Your favourite, right?” Catra already knew the answer to that question. “I thought it’d be a nice peace offering. Along with…the other thing in there.” 

Adora’s eyes were the brightest she’d seen them in a while. “Thank you, Catra.”

Shrugging, Catra feigned her usual nonchalance. “No problem, princess.” The affectionate nickname had slipped out so easily, Catra didn’t even notice until Adora broke eye contact, blush spreading across her cheeks. Or it could just be she was still cooling off from her run.  _ Or _ that Catra was completely imagining it. The latter seemed likely with her track record.

After another moment, Adora spoke up again. “Hey, Catra? In the letter, you said that you were, uh, scared. If you don’t mind me asking…what made it so scary for you?”

Catra had expected Adora to ask her something like that—about why she was scared in the first place. She had thought about what she would say, and yet she still found herself tripping over her words, starting and stopping and stuttering.

“Well I—” sighing, she tried again. “I guess it’s because I—” she cut herself off again, and her shoulders slumped. 

Adora nudged her with her foot. “Hey, it’s okay. Take your time.” She wore an encouraging smile, one that made Catra feel like she could do anything,  _ say  _ anything.

Now, it felt like the perfect opportunity, the opening she had been looking for. This was her chance. Sitting up again, she cleared her throat and looked over to Adora. She was looking back, giving Catra her undivided attention, and the thought soothed Catra as much as it intimidated her, reminded her of the overbearing weight she’d been carrying for over a month now, the weight that reminded her of what,  _ who _ Adora was to her. And in the evening light, she looked beautiful, perfect even, and Catra could feel the words forming, them crawling up her throat—when her brain decided to bombard her with every worry, every fear (what if she didn’t believe her? If she was mad at her for not telling her? Or, if she didn’t  _ want _ Catra to be her soulmate? What then?), and she felt herself shrink back into her seat. But she still had to tell her something. She would be as honest as she could. And eventually, when things weren’t still as precarious and delicate as now, she’d tell Adora the truth. 

“I’m not used to this. Any of this. And getting so close to someone so quickly…I suppose it was a bit of a shock to the system, y’know. Where I grew up, I never really had control. My life, my decisions—they were all someone else’s idea. And these feelings, well, because it was happening so fast and I’d never felt like this about  _ anyone _ ever, I guess it was so scary because I wasn’t used to it, because I didn’t know what to do, or how to go about it. I was afraid I’d fuck it up, and by being afraid of that, I kinda did. But I wanna try now, because I’ve realised that some things…you can’t control, and that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.” 

Catra let out a shuddery breath, but there was still a hint of a smile on her face. It hadn’t been everything, but it was more than she’d expected to say.

The words had clearly touched Adora, because she looked as if she itched to be closer, but the blueberry pie between them acted as a wall, keeping them apart. Instead, she nodded.

“Okay. I think I understand now. I know you didn’t have it easy growing up, but I never realised that—” she bit the inside of her cheek. “Maybe this sounds dumb, or selfish, but I wished you had talked to me.”

Catra stared down her feet for a moment. “How about I promise you something?”

Adora tilted her head, brows furrowed. 

“I, Catra, promise you, Adora, that I will never ignore you again, and instead be upfront about my feelings, and more open about my past,” she said, outstretching her arm with her pinkie sticking out. 

Adora looked at it, then back up at Catra again. “Can I make a promise too?” 

Catra nodded. “Sure.” 

“Okay, then. I, Adora, promise you, Catra, that I will also never ignore you again, but that I will give you the space and time you need to come to me about things. And finally, that I’ll always be here if you need me.” 

Adora met Catra in the middle, pinkies interlocking. The contact caused the expected spark down her arm, but Catra didn’t flinch as she had done before. Instead, she embraced the connection, the assurance that these promises weren’t fleeting. 

They really  _ did _ mean something.

The conversation became less serious—easier, like it had been when they’d first met. They complained about co-workers, swapped stories of odd things they had seen in Bright Moon in the past few weeks (before they had been keeping a tally, but Catra didn’t mind the idea of starting over again) and laughed at stupid jokes that were quite possibly not as funny as they made them out to be. Neither noticed the time pass by and how dark it had gotten, until Adora remembered to check her phone and realised it was nearly nine—they’d been talking for over an hour. 

“We better get going,” Adora said. “Glimmer is probably having to reassure Bow that I haven’t been kidnapped.”

“Yeah, we should.” Catra agreed, and the two got up, walking in a comfortable silence. Catra carried the pie for Adora on the journey back to their apartments, and once they’d reached them, she handed it to her. 

“Thanks,” Adora said, holding up the bag. 

“It’s okay.” Catra replied, and realised that she was supposed to wish her a goodnight. However, what came out instead was, “So…we’re gonna be okay, right?”

Adora smiled, her ocean eyes bright, alive. “More than okay.”

Catra smiled back. They wished each other goodnight with a brief hug—which was definitely made a little awkward considering the bag Adora was holding—but it was nice, and unlike before, Catra welcomed the heat in her limbs and the way she felt her heart melt a little, the way  _ she _ melted into Adora’s arms a little.

She had a couple messages from the  _ Super Pal Trio  _ group chat, most being from Scorpia asking for an update, and a few from Entrapta, who was more interested in talking about the new game she’d been playing. Not having the energy to have a full conversation she sent a short message to tide them over.  _ Went well, better than expected, meet up tomorrow to talk abt it? _

Catra fell asleep soon after that, feeling the most content she had been in a while. That night, she dreamt of the stars, constellations, and Adora. 

The next few weeks were as close to bliss as Catra had ever felt in quite possibly her whole life. Spending time with Adora now that they had cleared things up was even more fun than before. They had resumed their weekly outings with each other; they were texting nonstop; visiting each other’s apartment to watch a movie, or just to bask in each other's company, even more often than before. Catra had also been opening up to Adora a little more about her past. Although it was often only small recounts—them being the least terrible amongst the countless of bad memories—Adora seemed to appreciate it nonetheless, always listened without interrupting and never asked questions unless Catra said she didn’t mind them. It warmed Catra’s heart. 

Some days with Adora still proved to be overwhelming, especially when their bond showed no sign of dimming, and especially not of going away. When it did get too much, when the heat threatened to spill over like a volcano waiting to erupt, or when the jolt felt a little stronger than usual, Adora almost always seemed to notice that something was wrong; no matter how subtle Catra would be, somehow she just knew and would ask if she was alright, if she wanted to be on her own for a while. And if she didn’t pick up on it, Catra could always just ask if she could be on her own and Adora would oblige—no questions asked. That happened less and less, however, as the tranquility Catra felt when with Adora was definitely worth the minuscule sacrifice. In fact, Catra had grown so used to it—now that she knew what it meant and fully accepted it—that it was hardly bothersome anymore, or something she paid much attention to. 

The pair had grown so comfortable with each other that everyone had noticed. At first it was just small comments. Catra had been texting Adora one time when she was out with Scorpia shopping, (she was waiting for her while she tried on some clothes, which always took long, so she had been complaining to Adora about it) and when Scorpia had seen her texting, she instantly knew who it was. 

“Adora?” she asked, and Catra just nodded, looking back down at her phone again. She chuckled at the gif Adora had sent her. 

“Seems like you’re always texting her nowadays, Wildcat…” Scorpia had a grin on her face. 

“Your point?” Catra said, eyes still on her phone. 

“Oh, nothing.” she replied in a sing-song voice. 

Another time, she and Adora were watching a movie over at Adora’s when Bow and Glimmer had just come back after a date night. They had been sitting fairly close and were sharing a blanket, but other than that, they were both just focused on watching  _ My Neighbour Totoro  _ (Adora had freaked out when Catra said she’d never seen it). 

Glimmer had squinted at the tv, as if scrutinising the movie, then said, “Weird movie to Netflix ‘n chill to.” 

Adora had been too focused on the movie to even realise what Glimmer was implying, while Catra, on the other hand, had nearly choked on drink. Adora glanced over to check if she was okay, then went back to the film. After, Bow had come to get a drink from the kitchen, and Catra figured he wouldn’t say anything, but then, just before going in his room, he eyed the pair, almost suspiciously, and said: 

“We’ll be in our bedroom, y’know, next door, so…don’t be too loud you guys!” and quickly went into his room. Catra was glad she wasn’t drinking anything for a second time.

Once he’d left, Adora paused the movie and the two shared a look. “Were they acting weird to you?” 

Catra was almost stunned to silence. Was Adora that oblivious, or was she just  _ extremely _ invested in this movie?

She recovered quickly, however, and replied, “I dunno, I was hardly listening to what they were saying, princess.”

Adora hummed, then shrugged and resumed the film. 

The final straw was at a group movie night. It was meant to be a bonding activity: her, Adora, Glimmer, Bow, Scorpia and Entrapta. So their friends could get to know each other better and she could get to know Adora’s friends better (or, at the very least, learn to tolerate them for more than short five-minute bursts). It had actually gone pretty well. But, at one point, she’d fallen asleep, and being next to Adora, she’d instinctively curled up against her, who also happened to fall asleep, and by the time they’d woken up, everyone had gone. Confused, she’d checked her phone, only to see a message sent by Scorpia saying,  _ date already!!!  _ with a picture attached. 

It was the two of them, asleep: Catra’s head was tucked under Adora’s chin; a hand slung over her torso and a tail curling around her ankle. Cursing under her breath, she typed a short message out, and put her phone back on the coffee table. They would talk about this. 

Later that day, Catra met up with Scorpia for lunch, and she’d scolded her for a large majority of the time they were there. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” Scorpia said. “If it makes it any better though, I wasn’t the one who took it?” 

Catra pinched the bridge of her nose, “no, Scorpia, in fact, that makes it worse!” 

“Ah, okay, well then forget I—”

“Who?” Catra demanded.

Opening and closing her mouth, Scorpia sighed, finally admitting who the culprit was. “Glimmer.” 

“Of course it was,” Catra rolled her eyes. 

“Really though, why aren’t you two dating yet? You practically are already.” 

Catra’s ears flattened. “I don’t know…it’s complicated.” Scorpia only responded by raising a brow. “Ugh, fine! I haven’t told her yet.”

Her eyes widened. “That you’re soulmates!?” Catra hissed at her to be quieter, but she nodded. 

“I thought you already did, like  _ weeks _ ago.” Scorpia said.

“I was supposed to.” Catra said miserably. 

“But…?” Scorpia questioned. 

“But I guess I’m still scared.” Catra huffed. “And also, I want it to be the right moment, y’know?” 

Sitting back a little, Scorpia sighed. “I understand, Wildcat. But you’ve gotta tell her, soon. You can’t leave her in the dark forever, and why would you want to anyway?” 

“I know, I will.” Catra promised. “I will.”

Her therapist was equally appalled at the fact she hadn’t told Adora yet when she'd mentioned it.

“And it’s been  _ how _ many weeks?!” They asked, incredulous. 

Catra opened her mouth to answer, but they stuck a finger up and said, “I don’t even want to know. This is a tragedy. You need to tell her, ASAP. If you come next week and I find out you haven’t—you don’t even want to know what the consequences will be.”

As annoying as it was to have all her friends (and therapist) breathing down her neck about it, it  _ did _ give her the push she needed to ask Adora out on Friday night. Catra messaged in the morning asking if she was free—she’d already known she was, but it was courtesy to check. 

_ Great! You wanna go somewhere tonight, say 8ish?  _

Adora messaged back, asking,  _ can I pick? _

Catra was tempted to say no, but she realised that Adora knew the city best, and she also knew Catra best—she wouldn’t take her anywhere she didn’t like. 

_ Sure, and it’s a date <3 _

Technically, this was their second date (because after much rumination, Catra had decided that yes, the coffee date was in fact a date), but in the past couple of weeks they’d gone on many outings that could arguably be classified as such. However, since they hadn’t explicitly called all of those dates, Catra actually saying it had meant it was even more special. Catra had no doubt in her mind that  _ this _ would be the night she told Adora they were soulmates. 

Work went by quicker than usual, which Catra was grateful for as she rushed home to get ready for their date. Once she’d showered, and put on a little makeup (nothing but eyeliner and some blush—most products irritated the thin layer of fur on her face) she facetimed Scorpia to help her with picking out some clothes. 

“Do you think a dress is too much?” she asked, holding up a maroon coloured one. 

“Hmm…well, she hasn’t told you where you’re going, right?”

Catra shook her head. 

“Well then, I would just go casual unless she’s said otherwise.” Scorpia said, and Catra couldn’t argue with her logic. 

With the help of Scorpia, she ended up picking out a pair of maroon jeans, with a leather jacket and plain t-shirt underneath. Now, she just had to wait for Adora to knock—she’d know she was here before the knock anyway. After around thirty minutes of waiting, Adora arrived. When Catra opened the door, the sight of Adora had nearly taken her breath away. She wasn’t wearing anything extravagant—just a white tee and red letterman jacket, similar to what she wore most days—but the look was complemented by the makeup she was wearing, and Catra had realised this was the first time she’d seen her with it on. She was already breathtaking without, but this combined with the few strands of hair framing her face instead of it all caught up in that ponytail and— _ wow.  _

“You look beautiful.” Catra blurted out, skipping out on a greeting. 

Adora let out a laugh (it was still music to Catra’s ears) and replied, looking Catra up and down, “so do you.” 

The two stood there for a moment, admiring each other unashamedly, before Adora gave her a smile and said, “come on, let’s go.”

Catra nodded, locking up and following behind Adora. That’s when she noticed Adora holding a bag and eyed it suspiciously. “What’s in the bag, princess?” 

Adora just kept walking towards the elevator. Once the door was shut, she had a grin on her face. “You’ll see.” She pressed the elevator button, and they stood in a comfortable silence. Catra was only a little nervous about telling her, though she knew once the time drew nearer her anxiety would increase, so for now, she enjoyed standing shoulder to shoulder with Adora while her mind was still clear.

It was only when the elevator doors opened when she’d realised they weren’t at the ground floor. 

“Uh…Adora, are you okay?” Catra asked as Adora got out of the elevator, walking as if there was nothing wrong.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? Keep up, Catra!” Adora said as she sped down the corridor. 

Catra quickened her pace. “Because this is the top floor! Are you sure you didn’t, I don’t know, fall over and hit your head on one of your runs? Oh fuck—are you brain damaged?”

At that, Adora chuckled, stopping in front of a worn out door. It didn’t have a number on it, so it couldn’t be an apartment door. Where was she taking her? Catra felt a prickle of uncertainty, but she trusted Adora—who at the moment, was digging something out of her pockets. 

“If you murder me, Scorpia will come for you,” Catra joked. 

Adora had apparently found what she was looking for, a key, and was unlocking the door now. Once she opened it, Catra was surprised to see stairs, leading up to another door. 

“I would never dream of it,” Adora smiled, gesturing for Catra to go first. 

Rolling her eyes, she trudged up the stairs anyway, and once she got to the second door, she waited for Adora to unlock it. This time, as Adora opened the door, she was met with a cold gust of wind.  _ Oh.  _ They were on the building's rooftop. 

Catra casted a confused glance at Adora. “How are we even allowed up here?” 

Adora just smirked in reply and said, “I have my ways.” She carried on forward, and Catra had no choice but to follow after her. 

They went right up to the ledge, and Catra watched as Adora produced a blanket from her bag, laying it down on the ground. As they both sat down, Catra gave Adora a grin and said, “so…you come here often?”

Scoffing, Adora shook her head, smiling at the ground. She looked up at Catra. “Actually, yeah. I do sometimes. Just to think. It's actually one of my favourite places in the city.”

“And you're  _ only  _ now showing me?” Catra asked, incredulous.

Adora looked away for a moment, as if she were embarrassed and said, “Well…I guess I was waiting for the perfect opportunity.” She paused. “Anyway, I took you up here so we could stargaze. You can see them a lot better up here because there's less light pollution. Here, lay down.”

Catra laid down next to Adora, shuffling a little to find a comfortable position. Once she ‘stopped squirming’ (that was how Adora put it), she finally looked up at the sky properly for the first time. Upon looking at it, she gasped at how beautiful it looked. She had never seen more than a couple stars in the sky at a time, but now there were dozens, more than she could count. They illuminated the dark background of the night, and shone so brightly—they looked how Catra felt: content, at ease. It was then that she realised her hand itched to reach out for Adora’s, but she remembered the words of the book and just thinking about it sent her pulse racing and head spinning. She had to tell her first. 

“Wow…” Catra breathed. “It really is beautiful. Y’know, I had a dream that was kinda like this,” she said, hoping that  _ this _ could be her opening. 

“You did?”

Nodding, Catra said, “Mmhm.” The words she wanted to say we’re stuck in her throat, and she had no clue how to lodge them out. 

“Aren’t there like, constellations or something?” she found herself saying instead.

“Oh, yeah! My nana and I used to stargaze together and she'd tell me all about them.” Adora squinted at the sky, trying to pick them out, Catra assumed. “Ah! I see Scorpius over there—you're a scorpio, right?”

Catra nodded and tried to see what Adora was pointing to. 

Adora took out her phone, typing something in before handing it to Catra. It was a picture of the constellation. Catra peered at the phone, then the sky again, following Adora’s fingers.

“I do kinda see it.” Catra said with a smile. Then she thought back to the recurring dreams she’d been having. She’d been up somewhere high, stargazing, with someone there next to her which for a while she couldn’t figure out who. Now she knew that it had been Adora. The dreams still hadn’t made much sense, but now everything seemed to be coming together. Remembering something else from the dreams, Catra glanced over at Adora, who was still marvelling at the sight. 

“What about yours? Capricorn or something? Can you see it?” she asked.

“Oh, you mean Capricornus?” Adora replied, hand on her chin.

“Yeah, that, dork.” Catra elbowed her, and Adora let out a yelp as she tried to dodge the attack.

Once they were settled again, Adora hummed, scrunching up her face (she always did when she was concentrating hard on something, Catra thought it was adorable) as she searched for the other constellation. “Hmm…actually, wait—yeah! It's next to yours.”

Catra pulled the picture up on Adora’s phone, and again tried to pick out where it was. “I don’t see it, princess.”

“Here,” Adora said, taking Catra’s wrist in her hand and outlining each point. Catra tried her best to concentrate on the constellation—and she  _ half _ did—but as soon as Adora’s hand made contact with her skin, that burning heat seared through her and a jolt pulsed down her arm. She hadn’t even noticed she was trembling until Adora let go and asked, “are you cold?”

“Uh, yeah,” she lied, and instantly wished she hadn’t. 

Adora got up to retrieve another blanket from her bag, this one being a little thicker. She sat up, and Adora came back, wrapping it around her. 

“Hey, you get to be warm too.” Catra smiled, and Adora scooted over, now shoulder to shoulder with Catra as they shared the blanket. They both looked down and the rest of the city, and Catra couldn’t help but feel as though they were watching an entire different world, an ant-sized one, while she and Adora were trapped in their own little bubble. 

She got taken out of her thoughts when Adora shifted next to her. “Hey, Catra, could I tell you something?”

Catra turned a little to face her. “Uh...yeah. Yeah, of course.” It couldn’t possibly be that she—?

Adora took a deep breath. “It’s just that, ever since you came, things have been, I don’t know, different.” she said.

Different? Catra refused to believe Adora knew, because surely, surely she would have said something sooner. So, Catra said in reply, “Yeah, I was like a total asshole for a while, I know and—”

“No, not that, I mean like… _ I feel different.” _

Maybe she didn’t know exactly what was happening, like Catra hadn’t. That meant Catra still had a chance to tell her. “Different how?” she asked.

“Just…different.” Adora bit her lip. “Catra, I think—” she cut herself off. “Do you trust me?”

"Adora, I—yeah, I do. It's just that—"

“Do you?” Adora asked again, and when Catra locked eyes with her, she could see the determination in them, how they lit up, and once more they pierced through her soul. Catra wondered if her gaze would always carry that same weight. 

“I trust you.” Catra whispered.

“Then take my hand.” Adora said, placing her hand between them, palm facing upwards. 

Catra glanced down at it, then at Adora again. She remembered the words from one of the books she had borrowed from the library— _ The First Coming of Death— _ and she felt her stomach twist and pulse quicken again. This was it. Catra had known this would be a part of all this. And although recalling those words sent her head spinning, she knew she had to go through with it. For Adora. 

Catra’s hand slid into Adora’s, and they clasped onto each other tightly. For a moment, nothing happened, and then—

A familiar spark brought a shudder out of Catra, only this one felt much stronger, forcing Catra to grip Adora’s hand even tighter as she fought to hold on. When that feeling ceased, another followed quickly after. Heat rushed through her body, travelling head to toe—her limbs felt like they were on fire—the blistering sensation causing her to hiss. At some point, she had closed her eyes; next to her, she could feel Adora trembling, and she longed to soothe her pain, but all she could do was grip tighter as she suddenly felt chills creeping up her spine. She was cold all over now—a clear juxtaposition to just seconds ago. Catra didn’t know what was happening, if this was some cruel trick or test from the First Ones, all she knew was that she wanted it to stop, she  _ desperately _ wanted it to—Adora’s trembling had ceased, and so had her own. Relief washed over her body as she still clung to Adora’s hand, eyes closed, but she had spoken too soon. 

A sharp pain pulsed through her head, and her eyes were forced open, and instead of being greeted by the sight of Bright Moon’s night sky, she was seeing memories—but they weren’t her own. They were Adora’s. Snippets of Adora’s life, passing by with each blink. There were the good ones, from when she was young, and blissful, most of them being with Razz, as well as the bad ones—Razz dying, the funeral; other things flashing by she didn’t quite understand; Adora crying alone in an unfamiliar room; Adora laughing with friends like Glimmer and Bow; brief glances of her life before Catra, until the last one, one which didn’t feel like a memory, but wasn’t exactly unfamiliar either. It was Adora and her, together, smiling and laughing and utterly content. 

The image disintegrated into nothing more than a distant memory, fuzzy when she tried to picture it, and all the pain, all the sensations were gone—the only reminder of it being a slight tingling feeling, and Catra’s heart beating loud enough that she could hear it in her ears. Catra turned to face Adora.

Thumb running over her knuckle, Adora whispered, “are you okay?”

Catra blinked a couple of times, but it did nothing to help. “I think so. But…woah.”

“Yeah,” Adora breathed. 

“I guess they ‘deemed our bond true’ then, if  _ that _ was any indication.” Catra said, looking over at the blanket that they’d shook off at some point. Adora pulled it back over them.

“You know about all that?” Adora asked, jaw hanging open.

Chuckling, Catra said, “Of course I knew. I've known for a while. How about you?”

“Probably not as long as you. I figured out around the time you really started ignoring me—Glimmer and Bow got really worried. Before then I just kind of figured I was going crazy. That it was all in my head. I think they knew before I did. Then I wanted to tell you that night when you came with Scorpia and Entrapta, but, you know. So they told me to step back, to let you cool down. I did. And yeah...you know the rest. But it doesn't matter now though. We're here now." Adora beamed.

Catra smiled back. “We are.” She paused. “I was going to tell you. Tonight, actually. I would have sooner, but I was—”

“Scared. Me too.” 

Looking away from Adora, Catra fixed her gaze on the ledge in front of them. “You know what I said in the letter, when apologising to you? About being scared of being out of control? It was more about this. I was scared of what it all meant for me. And that I wouldn’t be good enough for you—that you deserve someone better.”

Adora squeezed her hand. “You're not perfect, but I wouldn't want you to be. Your flaws are what make you you, Catra. There’s no one better than you, okay? You're more than enough for me, more than I've ever wanted. I'm lucky that the First Ones brought us together, but even luckier you decided to trust me.” Adora brought their clasped hands up to her face, and placed a featherlight kiss on Catra’s hand. Catra expected a familiar jolt to shoot up her arm, but she was only left with a vague, warm, tingling sensation.

They sat in silence for a while, content with each other and under the stars. 

Adora let out an exhale, as if she was purging the burdens of everything she’d been keeping in. “Well, now that everything's out in the open, there's nothing to be scared of anymore.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” Catra wasn’t scared anymore. Nervous, anxious for the future and what it held, maybe. But she knew it could only be good things, at least for the most part. The missing piece of the puzzle had finally slotted into place, and she’d been looking at it all along—she’d just refused to realise. At this moment, Catra decided that it wasn't really the First Ones that deemed their love true. It was  _ them. _ It was always them. From the moment Adora first knocked on her door to now. They had done this. The First Ones only played a small role. They led her to Adora, but Catra had actualised it—no, they had actualised this  _ together. _

“Hey, Adora?”

Adora turned to look at her with a smile. “Catra?” Her thumb ran over Catra’s knuckle again.

Catra couldn’t help but marvel at her soulmate's beauty underneath the night sky. The shimmering of Adora’s eyes rivalled the stars above them—and to think they had once taunted her to jump into _the_ _sea of unknown_ and Catra thought to ignore it. Now, Catra was prepared to dive in head first. And as her eyes glanced down to Adora’s lips (still wearing that dorky grin no less), the feeling only increased. Her stare still held that familiar weight she had grown used to, but instead of it feeling suffocating, it felt mellow, softer, alluring—it was pulling Catra in. 

“Catra?” Adora repeated, although it was barely above a whisper as her face drifted closer and closer to Catra’s. 

Bringing up her hand to cradle Adora’s face, her finger ran along her jaw as she said, “Adora, I need to kiss you.” She was already closing the distance between them. 

“Then do it.” 

That’s all Catra needed to hear before all previous restraints were broken and finally,  _ finally _ her lips were pressed against Adora’s. Warmth immediately rushed over her body and Adora’s lips were soft—so soft—and her arm around Catra’s waist made her tail curl around her ankle and Catra  _ never _ wanted to stop feeling this way. They kissed until they were out of breath, and once they parted, it wasn’t just Adora wearing a dorky grin. Both laughing, Catra was still in awe by all of this—the girl sitting beside her, Door number 19, Adora, was her  _ soulmate.  _ Not only was she her soulmate, but she also felt like home. 

Catra leaned in to kiss her again. 

How could Catra have ever been scared of loving Adora? 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I know nothing about stars so if the end was a *tad* bit inaccurate, then I’m sorry!
> 
> Also, imagine, I thought this was gonna be around 5k words...I am humanely incapable of writing things that are short.
> 
> Anyway, I’ve been working on this fic for the past month (I think) and it’s definitely been pretty intense, with quarantine and everything and also the season 5 trailer dropping. But I’m so happy I took part in this Big Bang, I did have a lot of fun with this work and I hope you guys enjoyed it! 
> 
> Thank you to my artist for the amazing art to go with this fic, which you can find [here!](https://purelars.tumblr.com/post/617526329206833152/my-piece-i-did-for-the-catradorabigbang-i)
> 
> Also, can’t wait to get destroyed over s5...only 7 days now guys. 
> 
> As always, kudos, comments and bookmarks are appreciated <3
> 
> And with this long note over, stay safe and love you guys!


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